OnLy ½ Of Me Is KnOwN
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2001-07-06 16:52:26 (UTC)


Last night was a rather tuff night for me. I started
thinking about Nick and everything and it got to the point
were I got upset. Don't get me wrong, I'm like Terry, but
Nick ... he was just something else. I'll talk about my "3
Day Break" as I call it.
Mrs. DeMange picked me up at like noon and we left to go to
her house. We kinda just chilled there, and got online and
everything, then she went to work with Will. Terry was on
hour and a half LATE! I was like... OK! So finally we leave
and we get there and we find out the Karoake started at 6.
But when I looked in there, there was freakin' older people
and dorks in there. So I was like, this is just great. So I
went out to the bowling and Bradley was bowling out there
(and to be truly honest, yea, I do still think Bradley is
hot... but I loved him for 2 ½ years, and I'm not sure how
to feel about him at this exact moment) So Bradley and
Terry started talking and everything, I was just like ok.
So then I didn't want to stay there anymore and Alicia did
and all this crap and Terry got mad and walked out, and I
was like WTF!! So I went out there and was like "Please
stay, please stay" and all this shit, so then I left to go
get Alicia so they could talk and I went back in there. So
when Alicia left Bradley was like "He told me that y'all
was talking" and was like "ok and?" (and at that moment, I
kinda wished I was talking to him, just b/c I'm a fag, and
I'm really wrong and...I just am. I guess you could say,
he's not my Clarksville type boy, y'know?) so anyway, he as
like "he's 18 and your 14" and I was like damn .. but I was
just like "ok? and?" and he just shook his head and I was
like "what" and he goes "nothing" and I started walking
away and and I was like "Hey Bradley? Don't say anything
please" and he shook his head ok. So I went out there to
Alicia and Terry. And I'm sorry, but Alicia and Terry just
bitch at each other. That is something I just don't like.
And when I'm around, the just don't like each other it
seems, and when they do get along, I'm at home. It's crazy.
But anyway, so Crystal calls me at the bowling ally. And
I'm outside and Bradley and Stephen are like
screaming "Brenda you have a call" and I'm like who the
hell is calling me. And I thought it was my dad, b/c he
would do something stupid and call me b/c he'd think I
wasn't really there. But it was Crystal asking me who was
taking me home. I was like I'm staying at Alicia's for 3
days and she was like..oh. And then she said she could go
if she got a ride home. So I asked Terry if he would bring
her home and I asked her if she'd ride then the back of the
truck. blah blah blah- Ok, then we finally went into the
Karoake. Me and Alicia sang ONE song. I didn't really feel
like singing any other songs b/c the stupid dorks that were
in there were rude and didn't clap for anyone but the
people that were in "their clique" which I thought was
fucking stupid, concidering they would turn around and look
at us stupid when we would clap for them. I was like "does
anybody realize, we are kinda like the outsiders right now"
and Dustin goes "Yea, but who is the outsiders at school?"
and I was like "true..." which I know is mean, but it is
true. There were these guys who kept looking into the
Karoake I was like "hey come here!" So they came over there
and I was like talking to the one guy in the yellow shirt
and I was like "Hey, my girl right here wants to talk to
you" and he said that he was 19 and married (which was a
lie) and I was just like "well you're too young to be
married!" but then his friend came over there and I was
like "Hey what's your name??" and he was like "Tim" and I
was like "My name is Brenda" blah blah blah- then he told
me he was only in town for the AAU tournamnet and we was 16
and he lived in North Carolina. We got his Email address,
but I dunno .. it turns out it's wrong or something. I
dunno, it's gay. But, eventually we left and Alicia is
screaming out the lyrics to a Ludicris song and is going
CRAZY and we are about to drive by the projects. I was
like "oh..I hope Crystal tells her" which she did and that
is GOOD! We got to the RiverWalk and everything and me and
terry were like walking and stuff. And we were talking and
stuff and it turns out he's a little goody-goody. I don't
know HOW I ended up with him ... lol-But anyway, then he
stopped and he had his arms around my waist and I was
facing him and he was like "So..will you go out with me?"
and i was like "I dunno, do you think I should?" And he
goes "It's up to you" and then I eventually said yea I
would. I explained to him that it wasn't gonna get in the
way of me and Alicia's friendship and that I was not gonna
have sex with him. lol- I just straight up told him. And I
think he was trying to kiss me, but I just didn't wanna
kiss him. He smokes, and..I just didn't want to.
Regaurdless if he was my b/f or not. But we were walking
back and Crystal and Alicia have Eminem BUMPIN' in Terry's
truck. And he's all like "that better not be my truck"..and
all this other shit and I'm like you are not gonna say
anything. But then we left again b/c Alicia and Crystal
were telling us too. So we went up and sat on these little
step things. And just kinda chilled. And I think he was
trying to kiss me again, and I felt kinda bad, but I was
not about to do something I didn't want. But anyway, we
started walking back and here are these guys up there now
and I'm like WTF!!! The day I get a fuckin' b/f Crystal and
Alicia pick up some HOT guys!! I was a little bit upset.
But we got to chill with them for a while and got some
numbers (even me!) but then we left and dropped Crystal off
and on the way back we ended up seeing some of Terry's boys
so we chilled at the FireWorks stand. And this guy Tommy,
he was HOT!!! *sizzle sounds* lol- But Terry was just all
over me, not bad, like touchy feely, like arms around me
and hands in my back pockets and stuff. And we kissed
there. It just kinda happened. But yea, we were all lovey
dovey, which I didn't mind b/c I like being held and stuff.
But yea.. then on the way back it was nothing but freakin'
drama. I was like -SHooT me!- but Alicia got into this huge
ass fight w/ Terry and he told her to get out and she got
out and I was not about to leave my best friend there so I
got out too. Terry was being an asshole. But yea, we walked
almost 2 miles at 3 AM in the morning in the damn country.
lol- And there was thing and we thought it was a coyote and
it scared the shit out of me. So we got home and terry was
all being nice and apologizing and stuff. blah blah- and
then I was sitting out there w/ Mrs. DeMange and Will and
he was just hanging all over me. I don't want him all over
me in front of my best friends mom and Will. I was just
like god- b/c you know, I want her to continue to love me!!
And the fact that I am going out w/ an 18 yr (and on that
lives in her HOUSE) probably won't go w/ her too much. But
then we went to sleep FINALLY.
On the 4th- we slept. Sat in a parking lot and kinda
watched fireworks and got bit by bugs. Will wouldn't let us
to go Tommy's party b/c apparently he is a drug dealer. But
Terry got home at around midnight and we chilled
and..stuff. Then me and Alicia stayed up ALL night- we
didn't go to sleep until 9AM!! I had fun, but it was a
rather, uneventful night ...
Then I came home and slept and woke up at 1:30 AM
Then I went to sleep at 5:30AM and then I got a 100
bizllion phone calls that woke me up which leads me to now.
I miss Nick. No matter how much I tried to play off that
I "moved on" I love him, and it's gonna hurt me SOOO bad if
he's going out with Tiffany. Me and him are gonna have
a "PJ Party" Saturday night- and watch the sun come up..
like old times. Hopefully I don't get hurt that night. I
mean, I DO like terry, but I love Nick. And when you think
about it, terry is just NOT normally the guy I would go
for. And I think he likes me more then I like him. I just
ain't saying anything. I mean, there is this thing were
this person is asking Nick about his penis and I started
crying during that. YOU KNOW YOU ARE FUCKED...when you
start crying when you listen to something that was recorded
like that. It's just the way he was talking (he
says "y..eloow" and then he says "oh no..y'all tryin to do
something to me again" and "man..come on" and how he
says "uh huh.." and how he says "nooooo" and how he
laughs ... it's just cute..I miss him. I love him

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