sarah beara

sarah beara
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2002-07-30 01:20:39 (UTC)

i'm worried about something that is out of my control...

why?

why can't i just not worry about anything? why do i have to
think about what might happen instead of just following my
heart? i know that i need to think AND follow my
heart...but thinking is different from worrying.

why am i so afraid of being hurt?

i know it's worth it...i would do anything to not hurt him -
and i'm sure he'd do the same for me....why do i worry
about it then?

i know it's normal...i know i'm not doing anything out of
the ordinary...but i can't help but feel silly about
it...like i'm going to miss out on something if i don't
just take the chance.

i guess getting hurt is a risk you take in anything you
do...you can try to prevent it but what's the point right?

what's the point of trying to prevent something that you
don't really have control over anyway?

i need to just tell him everything that i
feel...everything...how afraid i am...how happy i am...how
safe i feel when i'm with him but how the thought of
getting hurt is always in the back of my head....i don't
even know if he thinks the same thing about being
hurt...i'm sure he does...if anyone's been hurt i know
they've thought the same thing - it's human nature....

maybe i need to tell him what i know would ease my mind
about getting hurt just in case...maybe i should have done
that all along but have been too chicken shit until
recently...i think i've become more open with the way that
i feel than ever before....

just thinking about everything makes me tingle...it makes
me so happy inside to think that i'm here again - but at
the same time i'm afraid and i just can't help it...i was
afraid with brett....in a different way, maybe, but yet it
was the same...ultimately i was afraid of getting hurt and
that fear became a reality and that's what i'm incredibly
afraid of now....having the same feelings that i had for
brett and being hurt that badly again....i don't know....i
don't know if i could handle it...but at the same time i
know it's a chance i have to take....i can't just live my
life day in and day out worrying about the what if's and
not taking any chances right? if love is what i want, then
my heart is what i have to give right? i have to give all
of myself without any walls or guards...i've done a good
job up until now but recently i've realized that my heart
is much more involved that i thought it was.....that he's
in there....he's got a hold of it and i didn't even know
it....that's not a bad thing at all...it's just scary...

i'm just going to tell him everything i'm thinking, worried
about, upset about, yadda yadda yadda and i know he'll
understand it's just me getting the nerve to actually say
something about it all.....me getting the nerve to
completely put my heart on the line and taking such a huge
chance...a chance that is worth it - but scary at the same
time....

i feel so comfortable around him - it's just when we talk
about things like this (or when i've talked about things
like this with anyone in my life for that matter) i've been
really shy about it...feeling like i'm not strong enough to
take the risk no matter how badly i want to....it's just a
problem of mine that i have to overcome...


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