fuck me and fuck everything
i slept almost all day.
i think i could sleep forever
maybe then i wouldnt realize
how much pain life brings
and the walls theyre falling down.
taking me with them as they go.
tumbling down and down and down
theres nothing to catch me this time.
and the pavement seems more able
to take it all away for real
take me far away from here
and she wrote on bathroom walls.
our names in bloated hearts.
i carved her name in my skin
thinking that forever didnt end.
i bled for her to prove
that i would give it all to her.
now my phone calls go unanswered
and the days seem to mesh together.
and this now.
is where i stop.
this is me giving up. breaking down.
the keychain and the chocolate the crow rings ("real love
lasts forever". yeah.) and all the other things that remind
goodbye to six years of love.
goodbye to the only thing i have ever been sure of.
goodbye to homecoming. goodbye to graduation.
goodbye to dominick and aaron and dinner and Scoop. and
shoe. and your moms frogs. and ms dalys class. and gifted.
and hair eyeliners. and shopping for sales at clairs. and
rolling stones. and that book you made me for valentines
day even though we hadnt talked in forever. and the sexual
games you played. the big fight outside of summers and the
stars and the first time we kissed and babysitting and me
swearing off that shit FOR you. me skipping class for you.
my shoes. you taking me to school in the morning junior
year. your truck and your COMPLETE and utter denial that
you could love me as you do because of STUPID societal
bullshit that i have NEVER had any control over and the
night you got scared and i was there for you and locking
the door from amanda. her being in the hospital and us
being the ONLY ones there. what the FUCK kind of way was
that for us to start talking again? because our friend
almost died and lost her baby? its just SO half ass. so
fucking half ass. its like everything then nothing and back
and fucking forth and i cant deal with that anymore. and
just fucking forget it.
fucking get out of my head.
how the fuck could you do this to me
after everything i always and forever have done for you
i dont want to feel like this
i dont think i can deal with this.
so im shutting you out.
just goodbye baby.
"people i love keep going away from me.
and it hurts."
"but what do you do with a woman, who has no love for you.."
i spent most of this past weekend with emily and her big
whole family. who i love. very very much.
we celebrated our one year on saturday.
and i finally gave her the book that ive been working on
for months for her.
i could have gone there last night.
and i didnt.
(6:07:59 PM): sounds like you and me babe?
lol. shes too cute.
SO i had a big talk with jennifer today.
she finally called me back..
after i told her it was important.
so i guess thats good.
i was crying all crazy.
and i didnt want to.
and it made me so mad that i did and that she knew.
and she told me i was going to kill myself driving.
so i hung up.
i just dont understand you know.
i dont fucking get it.
like at ALL
and i know her better than ANYone in the entire world
and thats why this is really fucking me up
"youre still my bestfriend. youre still...everything"
words are so fucking cheap man.
actions are what really fucking matter
she sits there and watches her phone ring when i call her.
what the hell is that shit about
"i dont like talking on the phone...i dont want to talk to
people. and then miss them. and realize everything im
missing out on."
and she still has my ring.
and shes going to wear it on a necklace.
im so confused.
"i talk about you all the time..."
yes but you dont talk TO me.
like at ALL.
i told her how fucked up it was that i mean we graduate.
things are great. she leaves for arkansas. things are shity
cuz i never see her. she comes back. things are great. were
talking and hanging out all the time. then she moves in
with him. and its like NOTHING.
its not even bad.
its just NOTHING. like NO FUCKING THING.
and she had nothing to say.
i mean what the fuck can you say.
how can you argue with facts?
this whole thing with her just sucks.
i just fucking miss her.
i dont want to fuck her.
i dont want to play that fucking role anymore.
im not being the fucking safety net for her anymore.
miss talking to her.
and hugging her
and laughing with her.
having her tell me she loves me.
what fucking ever