Jack's Twisted Kingdom
2002-07-29 17:02:38 (UTC)

things that'll never happen in trek

46 Things that never happen in Star Trek

1) The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a
type that it has
encountered several times before.

2) The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of
scientists, who
are all perfectly all right.

3) The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet
called Paradise,
where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is
soon revealed
to be exactly as it seems.

4) The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new
lifeform, which later
turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a
silly hat.

5) The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien
plague, for
which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.

6) An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to
interface to the
Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has
forgotten to bring the
right leads.

7) A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly
diagnosed as a
faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent
engineering staff.

8) A power surge on the Bridge is fails to electrocute the
user of a
computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century
surge protection
feature called a 'fuse'.

9) The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to
another without
serious incident.

10) The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien
intelligence which
does not put them on trial.

11) The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.

12) The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, stange,
and dangerous
situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it
on in the end.

13) The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien
intelligence which
they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.

14) The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp
phenomenon, which is
in some way unconnected with the 20th century.

15) Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or

16) A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the
Enterprise, but
fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal
with it to
everyone's satisfaction.

17) The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.

18) The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a
bright, sunny, day

19) An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation
alliance is discovered
without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful,
"would represent
a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant."

20) A major character spends the entire episode in the
Holodeck without a
single malfunction trapping him/her there.

21) Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say

22) Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so"!

23) Picard walks up to the replicator and says, "Coke on ice."

24) Counsellor Troi states something other than the
blindingly obvious.

25) Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor
Troi's position.

26) Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to
have Kate Pulaski
show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did he read
you love poetty?!
Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He's MINE!"

27) When Worf tells the bride officers that something is
entering visual
range no one says "On screen."

28) Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds
to respond to one
of the Enterprise's hails.

29) Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck, (pity this
wasn't done in
"Deja Vu" then we could have seen it 5 times without
rewinding the tape).

30) Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for
being a smarmy git,
and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own
age for a

31) Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe
as we know it,
and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net).

32) The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to
sort themselves out
after a while without any intervention from boy genius
Wesley Crusher.

33) Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they
work better than

34) Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode
without having a
hot flash and getting breathless every time Picard is in the

35) Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up
comedy routine

. 36) Data falls in love with the replicator.

37) Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet
he visits, and
isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.

38) The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a
less advanced
people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet
Prime Directive.

39) An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and
lives to tell
the tale.

40) Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position
for not being able
to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three
sentences that
anyone says to him.

41) Kirk's hair remaining consistent for more that 1
consecutive episode.

42) Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt.
(Or even, Kirk
DOESN'T get into a fistfight...)

43) Kirk doesn't end up kissing the troubled guest-female
before she doesn't
sacrifice herself for him.

44) Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics

45) Spock isn't the only crew member not affected by new
weapon/attack by
alien race/etc!! due to his "darn green blood" or "bizarre
physiology" and thus he cannot save the day.

46) The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at
Spock's inability to
understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eybrow.

47) No one gets nude or has to ask, "did you bring a condom?"

48) They've cured nearly all diseases, except premature Balding.

49) Captain Archer will eventually kiss T'pol even tho she
has a surfer body and is
completely his type of woman.

50) None the main crews ever gets killed and stays dead,
without some cloning.
temporal anomaly or other such really unbelievable thing.