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2002-07-29 16:41:03 (UTC)

Can`t make you love me

I spendt the weekend at Tommy`s place, actually I didnt
leave before this morning (Monday).
I finally got him to talk last night, but then it feelt
all wrong for me, like I had been forcing him to.
I love him SO much, you should hear all the nice things he
told me when we were lying in his beed, I was talking about
stars and the moon and how much I love it (it reminds me of
Selina) and he said "I dont need to wacth any stars when I
got one right in front of me" and all the "you`re so
good" "you have no idea of how much I love you" "I dont
know what I want to do with you" " "your skin is so soft.."
and then he called me his girl!! His little girl, and I
just loved it!
He always go on and on about my skin, how soft and good it
is to touch it and how much he loves it, hihi.

But it is as I told you, I knew S* loved me, and all the
things Tommy does for me, to me and tell me, that shows how
much he love me to, but stil I dont feel it.
I love it when he says that he loves me, but every second
he dont Im thinking "dont he love me?"
Its not exactly like with Dante, when he said it I always
started to feel that he was so stupid and thought "why?".
Its really stupid, Tommy is not playing with me, I know
that for sure, why cant I just settle down with the though
that he loves me?

Well back to our conversation, I dont know how he feelt,
but I feelt like I was forcing him to say it, not all the
things I wrote before but having this conversation about us.
We bouth have been having truble seeing our self in a
relationship but then the other one turned up and suddently
we`re in love..
I he said that he had noticed that I was diffrent now then
I was before, and said thats because Im over it now.
He said that he had guessed it was abouth a nother boy, so
I told him the story about S* and me.
It was hard for me to keep it a secret but even harder to
tell him, I told him that they where never competing, I
just had to make sure that I didnt do the same mistake as
with Dante, and I left out the part about beeing naked in
S* beed, making out and that S* wanted to sleep with me..
I did it to pretect Tommy, he would never understand, cuz I
cant explain it.
The way our conversation turned it was allmoast like we
where getting together that night, he was like well, some
things gotta change from now on and stuff.
I knew that he dont like me beeing with other guys alone, I
both understand and dont understand that!
I would never stand him beeing alone with a girl, but
hello, those are my friends!!
Hehe, Im so stupid..

So Im just gonna let it take its time, it didnt feel right
then, I feelt like I was forcing him, even though Im sure I
So Im just gonna let time help me out, til he bring it up
agen. I want him to bring it up, then I know its what he
want. (oh yeah, I know, Im SO stupid)
This time he wanted to talk about it and it sounded like he
wanted us to be a couple so I changed the subject, the
whole thing is to hard to explain, it makes sense in my
head but I cant tell it or find the right words to put it
down to paper.