fake plastic diary
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2002-07-29 10:19:24 (UTC)

sheep fondlers,poppers,changing rooms

i know how much uve missed me (yeah right!) so i'll be all
nice and write a lovely long email. well, wales. wales is
very welsh isnt it? my holiday started out pretty bad and
remained so. i suppose i wasnt exactly expecting to have a
good time, what with having to go with margo and her kids
to a bloody haven holidays camp. we always used to go to
haven when we were little, and i used to love it when i was
like 6. now i realise just what hell we put my parents
thru. theyr still singing all the same old tiger club songs
from as far back as i can remember, which is when i was 3.
and i was ashamed to realise that i still remember all the
words. not that i spent any time in the tiger club. no. i
spent most of my time doing nothing. literally nothing.
there was nothing to do. i played pool with my bro alot. im
pretty good at it now. and i went swimming in the pool
quite alot too. but i really hate swimming pools. theres
sommat about them that really annoys me. theyr all the
same. i suppose it was a quite a good pool tho. slides and
waves and stuff. but swimming is so boring when uve got
nobody to talk to. there was my bro of course, but theres
only so long i can bear to talk to him for. and i even made
the effort to talk to this lad, which is unusual for me cos
normally i would be too shy to do that. but i was so bored.
not that he was at all interesting. and i only talked to
him for a few mins, then decided to leave. didnt talk to
anyone else, except a twelve yr old girl and some kids who
i played football with. i like football, but only if i can
play in goal. much easier than having to run around. all
the ppl my age were like in groups, and they were mostly
scallies and stuff. there was one nice lookin lad, but he
was permanently attatched to his skateboard and i never
talked to him. he was irish anyway. nearly everyone was
irish! and the irish are my most hated race of ppl. lol.
after the spanish. samuel weak feet (my new name for margos
daughter) just kept gettin wolf whistled at and i think she
got off with a spanish and an irish lad. which amused me
quite alot cos i spent ages saying how much i hate them.
god im typing slowly today. i have a new name for oliver as
well. he is now oj freckle-back.
so what else did i do? we went to canaeveron castle.....god
the welsh have a stupid language. "rhaid goruwchylio plant
bob amser" means "children should be supervised at all
times". how stupid does that look? "plant bob"? they were
avin a laff there. i was watchin welsh kids tv. ha! how
silly is the accent?
what else happened? one morning i decided to find a beach
cos u cant go on holiday and not go to the beach. after
getting lost and walking round the camp for about an hour
trying to find the path to the beach, i found it. it was a
very britishish beach, with pebbles, a tiny bit of sand,
grassy hills and rock pools. this mite sound like the
average beach goers idea of hell, but ive always loved
messing around in rock pools ever since i was little so i
had fun. found starfish and things. and i just know what ur
thinking. no. just no. the welsh sea is freezing. however i
do have some kind of kinky thing goin on with the beach.
dunno why but i always feel like masturbating when im near
the sea. oh god that sounds really funny doesnt it? well, u
know what i mean. i should stop telling u this stuff. but
nevermind. i did do it. twice. i went walking round the
rocks and found this little cove which was sandy and pretty
sheltered, so i just did it. i find it really exciting to
do. theres always the risk that someone could av walked
round and seen, or seen me from the cliff tops. plus, the
tide was coming in really fast and there was a chance that
i could get stranded. it was pretty good actually, but it
just sounds really sad when i come to think about it. u
must think im a right weirdo. and u'd be right!
nothing else happened. i was generally bored. oh, last nite
there was a comedien on called mick miller, who apparently
is quite famous. well, my dad knew who he was anyway. he
was really funny. that was the only evening entertainment i
so as you can see, my holiday wasnt much fun at all. still,
i shouldnt complain. ive already been to belgium this yr
and im goin away to summer school and leeds, so its not
like ive not had any holidays. im lucky really. just wish i
could av gone sumwhere more exciting. or it wouldnt av been
so bad if one of my friends were there. well, anyway, i
read a book that ive been meaning to read for a while and i
was all relaxed and things.
im supposed to be goin to popeys tonite for a little party
type thing. im gonna go. ive become all sociable recently.
in the past i would av just made up an excuse even if i had
nothing better to do. but now i seem to go out quite alot
with my mates. i missed going to see idlewild who were
doing a signing in manchester whilst i was away, but i
think chaz got a flyer signed for me, which is nice. oh did
ur little compatability thing. seems like we're destined to
be together! how sweet.
missed you very much, loads of love, Sir Poo-nudger MacArse-

oooooh im in giddy mode again this morning. lalala. last
nite at popeys was pretty good. we got a lil bit pissed but
nobody was that bad. dom pollard brought these poppers
which were really strong and we went thru a whole bottle
and a half, which would normally last ages. we just left
the bottle open after a bit and stank the whole house out.
i would get in so much shit if my dad came back to find the
house smellin like poppers. i hope his parents didnt go
skitz. i had to leave early, bout 11.30, which was
annoying. its a great feeling tho, when ppl are actually
sad that ur leaving. makes u feel all wanted. we started to
play atmosphere. ive only played that once before when i
was 10, and actually it was at popeys birthday party. but
everyone was kinda outa it, so we didnt play, we just had a
laff at the guy on the video. av u ever played it? its so
funny. theres this guy on the screen wearing a sack on his
head shouting at u in a daft accent. oh, u know what, u
should do whatever u want to do. just cos i am never gonna
smoke dunt mean that nobody else shud. and ur right, i
wouldnt av liked u to, but hey, u live miles away.
oh dear, u do worry me. how on earth can a fridge keep u
amused? no! its just a fridge! a fridge! theres nothing
exciting about that.
swimming pools suck. theyr always so boring. and they
smell. and i always cut myself on things. and then the
changing rooms are angin, and its cold, and u have to wear
a swimming costume, and theres always an old wrinkly woman
with saggy tits who insists on getting changed in the
communal bit instead of going in a cubicle, and im not fond
of swimming and u get the general idea. there is nothing
good about swimming pools. oh, i tell a lie. lifeguards.
theyr good. sometimes. not the pervy old ones obviously. on
holiday there were two really fit lifeguards. one had
really good hair. it was sorta dyed whiteish blonde at the
sides with a blue mohican crest at the top. well fit. and
he was so cute. the other fit one was a typical lifeguard.
tanned, with curly blonde hair and muscley etc. sigh. thats
really sad.
i suppose it must be pretty embarrasing getting an erection
in public. what do u do if that happens? do u like grin
and bear it, or make a swift exit? i guess it is better
for women. one of the few advantages of being female. thats
another thing about swimming. not good if ur on ur peroid.
why do u wanna collect bongs? u dont even do weed do u? i
think they made a bong last nite out of bottles and shit. i
wasnt there at that point. i was in the living room with
chaz, xen, sam and gaz. we all sat on this little sofa and
it was well cosy and nice. i shud stop sayin this stuff,
but xen looked so fit last nite. she had this tite top on
which made her tits look big, and she had on these baggies
that came down to her hips and she wore these shorts under
which looked so cool. and her hair was looking gorgeous.
cant u just tell that i am seriously deprived of a boyf. i
am resorting to having sexual fantasies about my friend. it
doesnt help that me chaz and xen all got "married" and we
now call each other wifey. lol.
spikey top eh? again i ask why. if its like im imagining,
then i really cant imagine u wearing it. doesnt seem to be
the normal sorta thing ud wear, if u understand. but, hey,
whatever. i dont suppose uve ever been to afflecks palace
in manchester. thats where we go to buy all posters,
clothes and general alternative type stuff. well, if u ever
go to manchester u shud go there. it sells weird clothes
like that. and yes our hmv does sell toys. like lil
spiderman and eminem dolls, that sorta stuff.
for the love of god. i have an irrational fear of spain and
u suggest we go there, just so u can have a lil bit of
pleasure. well! fuck to you!
i like being in goal cos its easy and u dont have to run
around. i got pretty good reflexes so im okay at it,
although ive now got loads of bruises. hockey isnt a safe
sport! its worse than football for being painful.
the welsh have too many consonants and not enough vowels.
thats their problem. welsh is a totally pointless language.
nobody else in the world can speak it, and they dont even
bother with it themselves unless they want to talk about an
english person with them realising.
why wait till we're 21 to get married? i can legally get
married now with my parents permission. u cant yet, but
very soon u will be 16. aw ur so young. about 11 months
younger than me. hahaha. i'll just av to be one of those
sexy older women who wear fishnets and are always seducing
handsome yet naive young men. okay, so maybe not. i dont
think i would ever be able to seduce anyone. i could
possibly charm some one, but never seduce. and i just love
the word seduce. thats why im using it so much. its sounds
so terribly romantic. sigh!
well, thank u ever so much for dear little spiderman. how
very cute. i dont know what im gonna do today. maybe i'll
go to town. i want to go to a gig next week, so i mite get
tickets for that. no money....damn.....
but i dont care!
love you my dear husband to be. tee hee hee!

well as it turns out i have wasted the day by doing
nothing. i didnt bother goin to town. just couldnt be
arsed. im goin to mums in a bit. i phoned her before and
she was so pissed off cos she hasnt spoken to me in about a
week and i forgot that i was supposed to be goin round
later for tea, and she was like, oh you cant even be
bothered to remember to come round. i genuinely forgot.
then i made the mistake of asking what we were having for
tea and she gave me a big fuck-off lecture about how i
never listen to anything she says and about how i dont care
about her. i hung up. oops. she does my head in. always
whinging and crying. its not my fault her lifes a mess. i
never want to end up like her.
if u even try and write to me in welsh, i will just write
back in german, italien, spanish or some other language u
cant speak. i'll mix it all up too which will really fuck
with ur head.
i always said i would never do any sort of drug. i refuse
to do weed. poppers arent as bad and i dont do em as much
as my mates. just when they get passed round. i would never
waste my money on em. and like last nite when they were
just left open in the room, well, i would av had no choice
then would i? occasionally its good, when they work well,
but u dont always get an effect. i could not live with
someone who smoked fags. it would drive me mad. the whole
pointlessness of it.
i know what u mean about tryin all stuff, but i think ur
being a bit extreme. i think well, u only get to live for a
bit, and there doesnt seem to be much point to living, so u
mite as well make the most of ur life. whats the point in
never doing anything? u should at least enjoy urself, and
go out and see the amazing things that the world has to
we got our fridge about 3 years ago. i dont remember being
at all excited. then again, ours doesnt vibrate. shame.
ive only been in the male changing rooms once when the
womens was bein refurbished. there were no cubicles. is
that the same for all mens changing rooms? ud be
disapointed. only old angin women get changed in front of
everyone. everyone under 50 gets changed in cubicles,
unless they are all occupied. then u have to do that thing
where u get changed under a towel. women are good at doin
that. u wouldnt see anything. what i mean is that i hate
swimming costumes. they are so not flattering. u may as
well go skinny dipping. u cant hide when ur in a swimming
costume. only a few ppl look good in swim wear. and if u
dont, well, its like hell. at least lads get to wear swim
shorts. thats a bit better. especially long surf shorts.
they look cool. but girls just arent allowed to wear em. aw
thats really cute. cords and a sonic jumper. lol. oh, i
found this old t-shirt of my brothers the other day. its
got gromit on it, from a close shave where he is in prison.
its really sweet. its a bit tite on me, but its just so
ridiculous i had to wear it.
if u start to collect bongs, u will end up kicking urself
when u realise how much money u have wasted on rubbish.
save it. then u can pay for our wedding. lol. i wouldnt
marry you because i would just feel like one of those mail
order brides that u can get off the internet. i want a
really unusual wedding. either sommat really low-key and
sweet, like getting married on a pretty hill with all wild
flowers and romantic stuff, or i would love to get married
in a castle. with everyone dressed in medieval costume. but
thats only happening if i marry a millionnaire, or become
one myself. so, its not happening at all! but i can
xen bought a taper cos she wanted to put one of those discs
in her ear. shes got her lip pierced and has got 4 holes in
each ear. she started to stretch one by putting a belly-bar
in it. then she tried with the taper, but she couldnt get
it in. i agree, it looks ridiculous. well, on most ppl. i
think if ur in a band then it looks cool to have a little
one in. but when u have massive holes its horrid.
im not a lesbian! sigh. a while back i did tell my friends
i was bi cos i really felt like that at the time. but i
dont anymore, and i really regret saying, cos although iv
told them im straight, im not sure they believe me. and the
only girl iv really fancied is xen. and i feel bad about
it. but thats how it is. she is nice tho. i hope u get to
meet her one day, then maybe u'd understand. cos u would
like her too.
does water go up ur clit? where the hell did u come up with
that question? how the fuck am i supposed to answer that?
erm, yeah a lil bit some times. does that satisfy ur
yes, our hmv does have consoles and i think escalators, not
lifts. virgin megastore has a lift. i think our hmvs are
about equal.

aw, just a few lil pics from afflecks. its a very cool
place, but does get dull after a while. manchester is great
tho. ooooh happy happy.
i guess it is weird that out of all the millions of ppl on
the internet i actually found someone who i love talking
to. ie you. it is strange. do u believe in fate, destiny
and all that? i think its good to believe in all magical
forces. oooh getting all spiritual. if i think any more
about it im gonna have to go dance around my oil burner
whilst chanting strange things. om!
goin to my mutti's house now. love you loads, have a nice