The Best & Worst of Times
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2002-07-29 00:21:22 (UTC)

Date #4

Okay, today's date just didn't seem to go as smoothly as
the others. It started off nice. We settled into the
theater, he put his arm around me and rubbed my arm or
played with my hair. I put my hand on his knee and we chit-
chatted while we waited for our movie to start. The
conversation was flowing easily, as usual, until I made a
mistake. It was only a joke, but I'm pretty sure it was
the thing that made the rest of the night a little
uncomfortable. He was telling me about these girls at work
that, either he is interested in them or they are
interested in him, and I told him to tell me about all my
competition, like the millions of girls that I knew were
replying to his profile. He said no one replied and I
said "Yeah, right, a great guy like you?!" And he looked
worried and said "Why, are you writing me under another
screen name?" I jokingly said "No, but it's cool to see
you get so worried!" He honestly looked worried that I may
be e-mailing him under another name, and said "Well, yes,
I've talked to some girls online, but it's not like we're
exclusive." I felt bad because, I really didn't mean to
hint at all that I didn't want him talking to other girls,
or that I was trying to hint for him to ask me to be
exclusive, I was just joking around with him. I even told
him that I still had guys e-mailing me from my profile and
that I was responding (didn't tell him that I wasn't
interested in any of them. I didn't think that was vital
information for the conversation.) So, he asked to be
excused to the bathroom. I felt awful because, things were
going smoothly and just seemed to get awkward after that.
Or maybe I just felt guilty. Anyways, he came back and put
his arm around me and resumed rubbing my arm as I put my
hand back on his knee. We sat like that for a little while
before he took his arm off and we both just sat straight
up. I started to link arms with him, but worried that it
might look like I was obsessed or something. He put his
hand on my knee for a while and, I finally responded by
putting my hand on top of his, but when he didn't respond
to that, I pulled away again. Toward the end of the movie,
I did link arms with him and rest my head on his shoulder
for a minute, where he leaned his head in on mine, but I
still always worry that I'm doing something wrong.
We talked a little in the car and on the way to dinner, but
he started saying that he thought he was getting sick and,
try as hard as I might, I just wasn't a great
conversationalist tonight. I also worry a little because
from what I hear about his friends...I'm not sure I would
fit in. Just like with ex #3. With my last ex, I tried to
convince myself that if he liked me, it didn't matter how I
related to his friends...but it matters a lot. Although I
haven't met his friends, it just sounds like they party a
lot, which I don't. They talk about cars a lot, which I
don't know much about. They drink or smoke weed, which I
not only don't know about, but am not sure how I feel about
it. It's not like I don't like him anymore because I'm
learning he's different from me, I'm just weighing it
against the things we seem to have in common so far. And,
I guess...I just want to be happy for a while. I'd like to
live in a fairy tale just a little longer where he says I'm
cute and smart and I think he is funny and has nice eyes
and that's all that matters. I'm just tired of all the
other shit mattering so much.
Since he wasn't feeling well, and I was still suffering
from guilty anxiety over the things I may have said or done
wrong, we called it a short night and he dropped me off 4
hours after he picked me up. Conversation improved on the
way home, mostly because of him, I was still terribly brain-
dead for conversation. He walked me to the door and very
simply kissed me goodbye before getting in his car and
driving off. But, after teasing him about something in the
car, he did mention seeking revenge on our next date, so at
least I know I have another date to improve the situation
once again. I WISH I DIDN'T WORRY SO MUCH! I wish I could
read minds and save myself the ulcers of worrying about
what people truly thought or felt about me. But, until
then...I'll just do my best to be optimistic and
confident. That's all I can do, right?

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