loserbitch

some of my blisters now revealed
2002-07-28 16:04:30 (UTC)

back to the grind back to reality back alone again

studying. it makes my heart ache. as much as being away
from home. my family. there are tears as i type this.
i'm getting too emotional.

i was just thinking that i should work really, really,
really hard so that i can overload next year. but i may
not be able to as one of the pre-requisites for overloading
is that you cant have failed any subjects in the last 1 or
2 semesters. 1 semester is fine. but 2............ i'm
fucking screwed. and my parents are ashamed. an excuse
will be given to relatives. i am not ashamed. i was a
bloody loser enough to fucking fail, i will not deny it.
but i have to. because that it was what they want.
particularly my dad.

my mom just said, "your dad knows that you love him very
much too. you are a very mature and good girl now. i
forgot to thank you for taking care of me so wonderfully.
you were very good and absolutely wonderful. i was so
caught up with your departure and all that, so much so that
i forgot to tell you how much i appreciate your
thoughtfulness and maturity the last 5 weeks. thank you
again darling." i'm now crying.

i do not want to do a summer course. i don't want this
solitary confinement. i want to be home with my family.
to lose 8,9 weeks with them just kills me. the operation
was a real awakening for me. a confirmation of how
important my family is to me and now that i'm back here,
i'm alone again. it's been almost a week since i took the
albums out. last monday. a very emotional time. it made
me really happy, looking at the great times we had
together. and that was why i wanted to bring some photos
so bad. partculatly the ones with just the four of us.
but there's only one. taken almost 19 years ago on my
first birthday. the other one we have has me holding up a
balloon that covers my sister's face. certainly not
intentional. i was sitting between my parents and my sis
was next to my mom. that's how it is now. i'm with them
while she stays away. it's almost divided into 2. my mom
said that she complimented me earlier today. "when are you
calling her cos it's so good to hear her voice." tears
again. i shall now go and cry myself to sleep.




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