brighteyes

Lost In Thoughts
2002-07-28 08:41:55 (UTC)

waiting

so...i have been putting off writing..i dont want to even
start. I dont know what to think and i dont want to
think. Ok....well...robby has been cheating on me....if
you can call it that. Not that we were even in a
relationship...i should have known better...i dont know
what to do or think. well..this is how is all came out.
Kerry went to a party with alexis her ut friend and well
who does she see....joe...and he said that robby was inside
talking to abbey. yea....wakeup call. Who knows if he
meant to say that or not. And so...i guess robby cames out
and is surprised to see kerry...of course. And i guess
kerrry got to see that abbey girl..hmm. So then when i got
home i had no idea...and he started to talk to me and
saying sorry for everything and being a dick. And i asked
him why he was sorry and he didnt say why...so then he said
we should talk on friday. Which was ok...he made it sound
like something was wrong and he needed me to talk to. but
then kerry came home and i found out all this news from
her. And it all came together! it makes sense...tons of
sense. ok...yea...first of all...his brother putting his
gf in his info...named abbey. Wow..i couldnt believe how
blind i was. I just believed him..i dont know why. I
didnt trust him. I was very surprised..i didnt want to
think it was happening. I just thought he was busy with
work and he felt bad for not talking because he was busy.
but i guess he was busy..with another girl. I feel so
stupid. i dont know what to do..or think. I havent been
throught this before. I wanted to think i was different.
I wasnt tho. I need to realize that. I was just another
one of his girls. I keep trying to hold on. At first i
was mad...but then i went into shock..and then i kept
trying to figure out when this all happened there the
history....and then i would be mad at myself...want to just
talk to him....want to be with him..yea..i couldnt believe
it. I kept trying to think what he was thinking. And...i
cant do that. It all makes sense. Why he wouldnt put my
info in his diary....and how he was acting weird
lately...and how he just wanted to hold me and talk. And
he would say he liked me even after there was an abbey
girl. Cause i have th history to prove the dates. And he
would tell me to hold on...and that he was sorry for not
paying attention. So...at a time i think he was just
trying to figure out who he liked more. And maybe for a
while there it was me. But now...that it blew in his
face..i am sre he thinks that i dont want to be with
him..or he just doesnt want to be with me. I havent talked
to hi since...even tho we were suppose to talk....he never
called..and its not like i would call him. I have been
busy anyways..i am not going to sit at home thinking about
it. And i realized how much he lied about me..about
everything. He had many times to tell me..and he would
just make a 180 and lie. Why would he do that to me? I
think i wanted to break the bad boy part. but i really
didnt know him. And i realize now that he really didnt
want to bring me places with other girls..of course they
dont want to think he is taken. I would make excuses for
him..i wanted to believe him soo much. And i am sad to say
i still kinda want to hold on to him....or find out
more...learn if it all was a lie....i think i want to come
out on top. And i want him to releive how i dont
know..lucky...but he isnt going to ever think that. I was
just another one. I need to get that in my mind. I want
to talk to him....i dont know what i would say. I just
hope its something good. I would pracitce all day....about
what i would say. i could be mean...or realy nice..or just
not care at all. I dont know. In a way he said i was easy
t talk to....so i mean..maybe he does want to open up to
me. but then again....when he so called liked me he still
lied i think...so what would make him tell the truth
now..its not like he is going to get some. I doubt we are
going to talk now.i t was either that night....or never i
figure. So...yea i havent been online in a while and i
just got on..and he was away....sleeping. And his info said
something about You are the best. So...yea..he is at it
again. He has already move on i see. I was nothing. I
think its weird he is on away cause he doesnt usually do
that...so i think he is waiting for someone....there i go
again..i think its me. I just had to say it tho. I want
to see if he talks to me. I hope he does. Of course i want
him craweling bac..but thats not going to happen. I dont
know why i like him so much...i think its just something
about him. but thats the way it goes. Its not like we
were that serious tho...and i should have been warned. I
even joked about another girl once and he said there wasnt
another girl..so.he flat out lied. what a surprise. I
keep hoping i was the one he choice..that sounds bad. And
for a while i think i was..until it blre up in his face.
At least he said he wanted to talk..but he might of been
just saying that like a lot of things. I think he was just
bad to get into. why does it have to bother me so
much..and make me think so much and kinda hurt. In a way i
went to be his friend...and be that friend he can never
have..cause i think thats what gets the guys in the end.
Well...now that i am sitting here waiting for him to come
off away...its sad..i think i am going to get some sleep.
I am not going to wait. I was fucked up. bye.




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