All In A Day's Work
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2001-07-06 01:08:57 (UTC)

It's hard to be happy when you are sad....

Have you ever wanted something so much, that you would do
most anything to get it? Have you ever found out the most
heartbreaking news, maybe by accident, maybe not? It's not
the most fun thing in the world, I promise you. I have
just finished being nosy, reading the enteries written by
one of my friends and her online romantic interest. While
I am very happy for her, because she is my friend and that
is what friends are supposed to do right, be happy for each
other, I am feeling a little jealous at the same time. In
fact, right now I am jealous of anyone who has a special
someone in their life. It's not a big deal, I will get
over it, I always do. I guess I am wallowing in self pity
or something. I don't do it very often, but when I do, I
get this feeling like nothing is going right in my life. I
think I wrote in one of my previous entries about a guy
that I had fallen in love with, but broke my heart. And
until just recently, I did not notice just HOW lonely I am
without him. We have discussed our getting back together
and he told me that he has some apprehension about it
because he is attracted to other girls as well. I could
handle that, I really could. Until tonight, when I read an
online journal of his, and I found out that he is going to
visit an ex girlfriend of his, and that he is going to meet
her family at a reunion or something. Fine, thats cool.
But at the end, the part that killed me, made my heart sink
and tears come to my eyes, was when I saw that he blew her
a kiss. I know she means the world to him, because when I
was his world, the kisses were blown to me. It hurts, and
I now know that the time has come for me to say good bye to
him forever, tell him that for us, our relationship has no
future, and that I can't deal with "just being friends".
It pains me so much to say that, and my arms ache to hold
him. For my friends that may read this, I am sorry that I
have never shared any of this with you before, you had no
idea I felt like this. I tried, I really did to get over
this, but I couldn't. But I think I am, just be there for
me please. It would mean the world to me. As for the rest
of the world reading this, I am sorry for boring you so, I
promise that I will have more upbeat entries to come.