Attie's Path
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2001-07-06 01:05:00 (UTC)

Two days to adulthood...

Somehow, I'm reminded of my 15th birthday...sad, alone and
frustrated. maybe I am falling back into this same pit I
knew three years ago. Maybe another Laurie is destined to
happen sometime soon. Maybe it's time to fall back into the
time of failure...

It's not a bad thing, really...just a thing. I remember
being a lot more poetic back then. Depressed, but a lot
more poetic. Maybe it's just what I need to get some good
writing done...none of this mediocre crap I've been doing
since life has been happier.

Maybe, just maybe, I'm pushing myself back into this hole
because I want to be there. I've conquered all I had to
conquer this time around and I want to go back into a cave
for a while for some introspection. This would be best case
scenario, but it's a really good possibility.

I've been burning bridges left and right, torching
friendships that I've felt don't need to be there anymore.
The problem with this is that I know what I'm doing isn't
helping matters, but I just go right ahead and do it
anyway. I break away from people and then cry when they
aren't there to help me. Any pain I'm feeling is my own. I
don't doubt that. Not for a second.

Like I said earlier, don't write when you're
happy. The good times go by without you really caring that
they're's the bad times that we want to dwell
on, write about and remember.
Fucked up creatures, us humans.
But there's a certain beauty in pain that I've always felt
was there...something great hidden behind the mask of
emotional self-torture. A light that goes unseen is always
burning...and those of us who remember that keep depression
embraced, but at an arm's length. Somehow, this type of
feeling is safe. We believe that it's love and kindness and
courage that let us down...and this makes fear and sadness
easy to get addicted to. It's almost like I dropped one
addiction and found another.

Thank god I'm looking at the situation holistically and not
focusing on...well...girls for instance.
I could say too much about subjects that don't really
matter. Girls, for instance.


Yeah... I think it's going to come up anyway.

What kind of relationship do I want now? I want someone
who's not deep or intelligent. I thought that's what I
wanted, but I've had my fill of those girls. I want someone
shallow. Someone that I expect to leave me for a better
looking guy. I think I actually want to be hurt...Every
time I find a relationship-- well, the more recent ones, at
least-- I end up hurting the girl. It's not ever because of
cheating, either. I just get bored. I become really cold
and uncaring until she can't deal with me anymore. If she
doesn't have the good sense to break up with me, after a
while, I do it for her.

I have a hard time understanding how I affect people. I
don't understand how a girl could be infatuated with me. I
never have, but apparently, it happens with the
relationships I get into more often than not. Don't get me
wrong...i'm not down on myself, by any means...I'm not
ugly...but I'm no A&F model, either. Just average.
How does a girl fall for that? How does any member of the
opposite sex get so affected by someone average? If I ever
got any of my ex's to answer that honestly, maybe I could
grasp it. Unfortunately, none of my ex's are too fond of me.

I can't say that I blame them.

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