shifting mists
2002-07-28 06:19:17 (UTC)

a conversation to start a conversation ...

s****: how have you been feeling?

me: i'm sinking

s****: i wish i was there to hold you up gilli... is there anything i
can do for you?

me: nt really ... i guess ...
*shrugging* ... i don't think there's anything anyone can do for
me .. including Jeremy .. who started the decline this time 'round ..

s****: frown.. what happened?

me: *shrugging* .. he doesn't even know what he did ...
... do you remember last year .. me finally confessing my life
dream ... after hiding it not only from everyone including myself for
years .. even when i was a child? ...

s****: that you wanted a family... that you wanted... everything you
thought you didn't.. that you wanted to be a stay at home.. raise a
family.. that dream?

me: yeah ... and how jeremy had no problems with this ... that it was
okay with him ...
well ... obviously ... though you remember ... he must have
forgotten my dream ... or discarded it as .. unimportant .. or ..
unworthy ... *shrugging* ...

s****: nodding.. yes.. that it was okay with him... hugging you
soft... why do you think he felt it was unworthy or unimportant..
what happened *hugs*

me: *shruggin* .. he wants a wife who works ... wants me to find a
job as soon as possible when i get up there ... though ... i could
see it might be necessary before he got his raise ... he still wants
this after his raise (which was a whopping $2500 more each month) ...
not volunteer work ... he specifically said he wants me to bring in a
paycheck ...

s****: did you ask him why? i mean.. if it is not needed... why
does he want you to work?

me: http://www.my-diary.org/read/body.phtml?entry=247677

s****: reading

me: he'd been talking about me getting a job for a while ... i
thought it was because of his wage ... because we'd need the extra
income ... and i had no problem with working temporarily until the
situation changed ...
.. but i was wrong ... the money isn't an issue now ... not like it
was ...

s****: sigh... have you reminded him.. of what your dreams are...
of what you said a year ago? have you talked to him about this?
i still am not sure what the issue is.. if it is not the money..
because as you said.. volunteering would get you out and about with a
schedule just the same.. and the work would be more fulfilling.. for
you and the service you provide.. .

me: no ... i haven't .. i don’t know how to bring it up ... and i
don't know how to handle it if he says he "changed his mind" or
brushes them off as unimportant ... or selfish ..

s****: nodding... gilli .. they are not unimportant.. they are your
feelings.. wants desires... they are not selfish.. if the money is
not needed......

me: yeah ... well .. obviously they weren't all that important to
anyone but me ...

s****: they were important to me.. gilli... you.. your thoughts..
your dreams.. are important to me... and to you..

me: yeah .. but they should have been important to HIM ...

s****: nodding... darlin.. men are.. selfish.. he might not remember
that specifically was your dream... it doesn't mean that you being
happy isn't important to him

me: if i tel him he'll think i'm selfish ... he'll think i'm lazy ...
me: i mean .. damn ... I think i'm selfish . and lazy .. for dreaming
it ... so why wouldn't he?

s****: you can't know that for sure.. darlin... don't force your
preexisting fears about you not deserving that dream onto him...

me: i don't even know how to talk about it or bring it up