GirlFromCT

Do I Have Your Attention?

I am a 35 yr old female crack addict trying for recovery
again. I had almost 2 months clean this time around, but I
blew it when a fellow addict (supposed friend) called me up
and offered me a freebie.
Getting high for free. Well, nothing in life is really
free, but to an addict - free drugs is hard to turn down.
So off I went. and I partied for 3 days and spent over 1000
dollars - and lost my sobriety again.

Doesn't seem like I will ever learn...

Anyway, this is how it happened this time: After I got out
of rehab, I had alittle sobriety under my belt - my husband
who has been sober for 1-1/2 yrs - decided he would come
back and give me another chance. See he left because he was
tired of watching me try to kill myself by oding on
cocaine. Anyway, he came back.

We went and bought new wedding bands, and put money down on
an apartment so we could live together again. And all was
well for 5 days, then on Friday July 12, 2002 - he went to
work and never came back. NO PHONE CALL... NO NOTE...
NOTHING!

I managed to get through the weekend without a hitch... I
was depressed and wanted to get high, but used the tools
for sobriety I had learned in rehab. Meetings, sponsors,
sober friends, the telephone to call my contact list. And I
was doing okay, lonely but sober.

Then on Monday July 25, 2002 - I got a phone call. It was
from a fellow addict - who had heard through the grapevine
what my husband had done to me AGAIN. And used his charm to
get me to hang... see addicts don't want anyone else to get
better - they want you to stay an addict so they dont have
to change themselves. Or look at the big picture.

So he called, and I was down (looking for an excuse to
use), and well here it was. Come on over he said, I got
some crack. I owe you remember. Well I remembered and I
thought "Oh, what the hell?" - I can do it just once and
stop again... I mean I am sober now. I did do it. It will
be okay.

I went and ran and ran and ran til the money ran out. and
of course, when his money ran out, and then my money ran
out - we were at each others throats!

Getting high is not free... getting high is an addiction -
and until you get the message and start living life on
lifes terms you are not free. you are a puppet for the
dealers... and while they help you die - you make them rich.

So I am on day 4 again - and I won't pick up the phone for
any fools. In fact, I think I will just leave my computer
on 24/7 so the phone can't ring. And while, it was nice to
blame my husbands leaving for my relapse - I know in my
heart I can't blame anyone but me. No one put a gun to my
head and said SMOKE OR DIE. but in reality the drug (CRACK)
could of killed me - like it has done to a few of my
friends.

If you haven't tried Cocaine or Crack - DON'T! Please I beg
you not to become a statistic like me.

Lynn

Want to read more about me... check out
http://www.freeyellow.com/members/lynnfromct/addiction.html and learn
about
addiction and how not to be an addict.