eidolon

shifting mists
2002-07-28 00:13:16 (UTC)

i don't want to live forever ...

.. you know ... the worst part - besides the death of hope - is that
there is no one to talk about it with ... not him, for ... you see ..
i told him about my dreams ... about what i wanted in life .. what
i'd dreamed, secretly, about since childhood ... talked with him at
length about them in the past ... and ... though they were accepted
verbally, it's been drawn to my attention that they were quickly
discarded ... deemed as .. unimportant .. or unworthy ....

... my dreams were never socially acceptable to the majority of
society to begin with ... in the shattering of them, and subsequent
death of my hope, there is no one with whom to share with because
there is no one who might understand ... even to myself my dreams
always sounded so selfish .. so silly and impossible ... how could
they possibly sound any less so to anyone else ...

.. i have a lot of practice though ... so many years of lying ... of
pretending ''normality'' ... of living without hope ... the majority
of my life actually ...

.. and when it came into my life it was like a miracle ... hope
breathes fresh air and colour into your soul ... it changes
things ... it changes everything .. including yourself ...

... living without it changes things too ... like drapes closing to
block out the light ... no fresh air in which the soul can
breathe ... everything becomes dismal and grey ... ~sighing~ ... it
seems so unavoidable now .... i wish i'd seen it coming .. had some
time to prepare .. somehow ...

.. but, you know .... i've done it before ... and i can do it
again .. will have to do it again ... no one ever noticed then ....
and after a short period of readjustment i'll be tack to that
existence again and no one will notice this time either ...

.. somehow life feels so much ... longer ... without hope ... without
those dreams ... it stretches out before me ... an eternity ...

.. i wish i'd never pulled my dreams out of that box and brushed them
off .... i wish i'd gone on ignoring the box altogether ... losing
them and hope is much more painful than not ever having known what it
was like to have it in the first place ...




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