LoveGod

Different Worlds
2002-07-27 06:16:58 (UTC)

not that I would vent...

Adam sort of made me mad tonight when he took a cheap shot
about Ryan and me, so I mentioned that I saw Rachel
Monday. It was totally mean spirited and I shouldn't have
said it. But I did. Adam said he was going to call me
tonight. He said he wanted to go get ice cream. He did
ask what I was doing tomorrow. I answered that I was
going to sleep all day and then wallow in my misery. You
know, the usual. I don't know why I'm so depressed. So I
decided to vent to Adam. Maybe out of bad habit or just
severe need to rant. So, here's the e-mail I sent him:

"Nobody said life was fair, we've all got a cross to bear,
when it gets a little hard to care, just think about Him
hangin' there..." from "What if Jesus Came Back Like That"

Of course I won't ramble! I promise I'll try not to
anyway. So yeah, I just wanted to say thanks for being
there for me. That really means a lot. I'm really
frustrated w/ myself right now. I feel like I should be
doing something useful...I should be helping somebody or
doing something. I feel like I'm being selfish by not
doing anything. Does that make any sense? One of the
things I worked really hard at during school was being
vulnerable w/ people. By the end of camp, I had managed
to tear down a lot of my walls. The problem is that I've
built them all back. And knowing me, they're probably
bigger and badder now. I don't like to admit that I have
needs. I don't like to admit that I need support from
other people. I feel like everyone else has enough to
worry a/b w/o me heaping my problems on them. I don't
feel like I'm ever good enough. I always think of ways I
could have done things better, could've had a bigger, more
positive impact, could've loved more, hurt less, could
have given more. Nothing I ever do is good enough for
me. And b/c of that, I feel guilty. I don't feel like my
life is going anywhere. I feel like all the things I
really want, esp. stability, are just out the window. I
feel like I'm never going to settle down. The past few
days, it seems like all I do is beat myself up. I had a
serious temper tantrum last night, which is totally out of
character. So then I felt really guilty a/b that. And
then when I get really down on myself, I think something
along the lines of this: if I'm not good enough to satisfy
myself, how can I ever hope to have meaningful
relationships w/ friends, family, or anyone? At first I
thought that feeling was the result of my staying home all
the time, but I've been out w/ friends a lot more lately,
and that's only made things worse. And the past just
haunts me. I just keep wondering what if....what if I had
been nicer or studied more or worked harder or done
whatever differently. I don't know how to deal w/ that or
how to get over it. I thought I had all my feelings for
you worked out. I was over you, things made sense, and
life was good. Then it just started to feel like
everything got turned upside down. Now nothing makes
sense. I don't know where I stand a/b anything, and I
don't know how to fix it. I don't think I've ever prayed
so much in my entire life. It seems like every Bible
study I do relates to something I'm trying to deal w/, but
that usually makes me feel like more of a failure. I know
this is probably making absolutely no sense to you. I
hate feeling like people see me as this successful person
that has it all together. Not that I want people to think
of me as a failure, but when people see me that way, I
feel like I have to live up to their expectations. I
don't want to try to be what other people want me to be.
I want to be what God wants me to be. I hate telling
people where I go to school. I hate hearing "Oh, you must
be really smart." or "Wow, that's a really good school."
or "Do you want to be a doctor?" or "My (random relative)
went there for (random medical problem)." I don't want to
be defined as being smart b/c of where I go to school.
That's not why I'm there. Sure, the school is important,
and I love it, and I love the prestige, but college isn't
a/b the letters that will come after your name when you
finish (BS hehe). It's a/b people. It's a/b caring a/b
people and sharing and teaching and learning a/b others.
Okay, I just realized I totally got off the subject. I
also didn't realize that was something that was bothering
me. So looky there...you did help me. :) I just want
things to make sense and they don't. I want to have
confidence that the future will work out like I want it
to. The problem there is that it may not work out exactly
like I have planned, but I need to be more confident that
God will do what's best for me, whether I like it or not.
I want to be in control, but I want to let God be in
control. I know that's what I need, but it's so hard to
let go. Not that I'm a control freak. ;) I also need to
have some patience. *gasp*
So there you have it...my evening rant. I'm
trying to do better. If I manage to actually send this,
I'll consider myself victorious. Tonight anyway. Have
you ever heard "The Good Stuff" by Kenny Chesney? It's my
favorite song of right this minute. :) Since it's been a
long time since I sent you a long e-mail, you have to
forgive me for this one. I am not going to feel guilty
for everything I do anymore. Goal-setting baby! Woohoo!
I guess the thing I miss most a/b school is having people
around that care a/b me. Living in a dorm and going to
classes and eating together (and I almost wrote sleeping
together, but I didn't mean it like that lol) and
volunteering together and going to ECF and Bible study and
concerts and karaoke and even bowling and blah blah
blah...just encourages me somehow. I miss being around
people that will do the oolieboolie dance in the middle of
a crowded room. I miss sitting at the DUC for hours on
end having conversations that amount to nothing more than
group therapy. I feel like when I'm here I don't really
talk to anyone. Not seriously talk anyway. I chit chat
and smile and nod and life goes on. But I'm done ranting
now. If you're still reading, I really, really, REALLY
appreciate you. I feel better, even if it's only a little
bit. Progress is what counts. Babysteps!!!! So yeah
(that's my new favorite phrase), please pray for me. It
would also be good if you could pray for my friend Sarah.
She's leaving for Bolivia Wednesday for her study abroad
program. So yeah (lol) I said I was going to try not to
ramble, but I haven't done too well. Sorry!!! And if you
need anything at all, don't hesitate to let me know. It's
not really like I have anything else to do. Feel free to
rant and ramble to me, although I seem to do that a lot
more than you. That's just who I am though. Yea for
being me! Woohoo! :) So yeah, I'm done now! I hope you
have an amazing weekend! Remember to take good care of
yourself. Make some time to spend w/ God, and let me know
if there's anything I can do for you! :)
Love,
Lindsay

"...You shall not join hands with the wicked...You shall
not follow a majority in wrongdoing..." Exodus 23:1-2
(NRSV)




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