Infiniterocker

hello kitty cat
2002-07-27 04:31:56 (UTC)

I need to break these chains...you pathetic propaganda whore

I'm sitting here listening to Pulse Ultra..they're really
good...I'm just thinking about what happened in my head
today. So today I felt unlike I've ever felt before. All
those times when various people have told me that my
friends here are out of convenience...it's probably true.
I've come to the conclusion that Katy is really wrapped up
in herself. I don't really know what to do about it. I
really need to open myself up to new people..because all
the shit that happens around my friends now is just so
silly...they don't realize how pointless the shit that
happens is. The stuff Katy gets upset about..I just don't
understand. She means well--but obviously we are just at
two TOTALLY different points in our lives. Everything is so
transparent. It's so strange. I go out of my way to try and
listen, to understand my friends...but some people are just
so self absorbed. Joselin told me the other night...I was
at her house..and she was like "katy is just going through
a rough time, she's just focused on herself"...etc...and
it's true. I guess it was my fault for expecting more out
of her...as a friend..but she has these ideas in her head
that I am this terrible person who constantly wants to put
her down..and she has decided that she's going to stand up
for herself..but she decides she has to stand up for
herself in these situations where this is no need for
anyone to stand up for themselves..she thinks that people
should express their feelings but then when they do she
takes it as an attack. No matter what I say I can't get
through to her. Maybe it's my lack of patience, but I can't
deal with it anymore. I have too much to deal with..and I'm
so hurt to think that her and her mother think I'm such a
piece of work. Because first of all this whole mess..is
mostly because of Jason's lack of common sense..and I'm
being blamed for what he did...I don't want to feel like
I'm walking on eggshells around my "best friend"..I guess
saying she's my "best friend" was just me trying to make
myself feel better. I don't know when I haven't been there
for her..I tried to give her space..and not talk about my
problems around her because she is just discovering the
basis of who she is..and that is a scary step..but at this
point I just can't be someones support system. So I guess
that's it. All this just makes me physically ill..and I
don't want to feel continuously ill. Everything is just
made into such a big deal...I don't get it..why? I'm a very
angry person..

You feel hate to give you purpose
Lost yourself in a larger cause
step outside your righteous pose
your beliefs are not the laws
I hope I'm there when there is nothing left to hate...