the danger of Solitaire
2001-07-05 17:14:09 (UTC)

station wagon filled with souls

today i go to see micheal, my therapist. i'm still debating on whether or not to tell him the truth about last tuesday night. i've been depressed for years although july 3rd was the first time in a decade that i actually tried to kill myself. i'd been dropping little hints to friends and co-workers for weeks. it seemed like no one wanted to be bothered with my problems. i was on the edge when another bad day and a tiny dose of rejection sent me reeling into that downward spirial Again. i didn't think about it too much. it was just something i had to do, i had to die. i can't describe or even remember the range of emotions i've been through in the past two days. i felt like a walking zombie, to do something like that, attempt suicide and live through it. it gives the mind a whole new perspective. i remember the dawning of that day. i felt like i was experiencing my very first sunrise all over again. everything was so beautiful, crisp, new. yet, inside i was not affected at all by my surrounding . i remained in this pale somber mood for nearly 48 hours.
the reality of everyday life had become so overwhelming. simple things like working, paying bills, buying food, getting dressed and even bathing, stiffled me so in a way they never have before. i'm almost 27 years old. i'm alone in life and feeling more lonely than ever. i ache for the intimacy of friendship, companionship. like everyone else i need to give and receive love.

there's so much more i want to say but i don't have the patience right now.