Ad 2:
2001-07-05 15:56:13 (UTC)

just telling you more about chloe

Why the hell am I so confused about myself?
I don't even know what kind of person I
want to be, like how I want my personality
to be; and I know you guys probably
have no idea what the hell I'm talking
about, but that is half my damn problem.
I don't know what is wrong with me.
And I'd really appreciate it if any
of you people had any advice to send
me a message or something. I regret some
of the guys I've gone out with in the past;
and it really pisses me off, because I feel
like some of them tried to take advantage of
me. That's where my anger management comes in;
this is the reason why i'm going to wait to have
sex with a guy until 1) I'm ready for it.
2)so I won't regret anything 3) I want my first
time to be only out of love .
I like the type of guys that are are
kind of quiet but not too quiet, and I don't
want them to be "players". I would want a guy
to be different, and I don't know what it is
but I love guys that play guitar, I dunno why;
I guess that's because I play guitar or something.
Who knows. Hence the reason why i'm a confused
individual trying to find my little nitch in life.
Now I'm changing the subject. I really don't
like my school one bit. I mean i'm really good
at sports, but I don't exactly get along
with the older team-mates on my team.
Last year was a disaster. I had so many
problems and that was the start of me being on
depression medicine. I had so many thoughts of
suicide that it interferred with my school work,
and that's why I just did average on my report
card ( which my mom bitched about)
Math is by far my worst subject, believe me.
Everytime I tried to think about math or
anything else, all I could think about was
shooting my self in the head or something.
Well as I said before I'm on this pill
called Paxil. It helps me with my depression
alot to the point where I don't really feel
depressed anymore. Depression is a horrible
thing to have and it takes and controls your
life. I'm a much happier person now (although i'm
still in anger management lol) I was clinically
depressed so I know what depressed people go
through. I think I have grown from all my
horrible experiences though; and if
there's one thing I've learned it's that
jealousy gets no-body any where; all's it does
is ruins friendships and relationships and any
communication people could have.
I think the reason school bothers me so much
is because I have realized that teachers
(so-called "romodels") can be pretty shitty people.
I've had some bad experiences with teachers.
When I was treated for "clinical depression"
the school was notified and my teachers and stuff.
There were a few teachers that kept pushing my
buttons, and one teacher acutally made fun of me.
School rules can be really unfair. This one girl
grabbed my neck at school and I defended my-self
because she was choking me, and we both got
suspended for 10 days at the end of the school year
too! I know that violence isn't the answer
and it doesn't solve anything, but sometimes
you have to defend yourself to protect yourself
from being killed or getting hurt.
I just hate liars, and I think the teachers in my
school lie a lot, and it boosts their self-esteem,
when they make their students feel bad,
well at least that's the impression I got from my
gym teacher among others. Call me arrogant or call
me what you want, but I'm just a very opiniated girl.
I like things to be fair and I don't like when
when things are done unfairly. This one teacher
at school ( he knows who he is) stuck his nose
in my business about the girl who attacked me, and
believed all her lies she said about how i
bothered her every day ( which i never did)
and this particular teacher told other faculty
members that I should leave airee alone and stop
pushing her in the first place,
(which never happend either) This is why I don't
like Sun Valley high- school.
I hate when things are done un-fairly. I think
this is the reason for there being so many school
shootings and what not; and I think before the
faculty can change the students behavior and stop
violence, iI think the faculty has to look in the
mirror, and see how they can change themselves
before they even try to change us; and I don't
think having this new dress- code is the answer.
I can't wait 'til done with this bull-shit.
I can't wait to meet new and interesting people
in college, and visit new places. I'm
going to play field-hockey and lacrosse in
college if I can handle it. I take my sports
really seriously, and I've been running so
much this summer. Lately I've just been
feeling really pressured and I can't figure
out where it's coming from. It really pisses me
off too. I don't know if it's coming from my
parents or me or what. I'm so confused,
and I know that before I can solve anything,
I have to figure out myself and understand
where I'm coming from. I don't know why
I have to be such a complex person?
I just feel like I have to find my self and I
feel like I can't do it here. I dunnno.
I wish I lived in maryland or something , who knows.
I really miss my friend Rachel, and I can't wait
to see her. I talked about her in my last entry.
She had to go away to this place called-
"Freedom Village" in up-state NewYork.
It's all the way near Canada. And I might not
get to see her for 1 - 3 yrs.
This might sound dumb but I really would like to
see my best friend kevin dubumdo. WE were best friends
but he moved away in 5th grade. I met him when we were
5 yrs old. He moved away a long time ago;
but I'd really like to see him.
It's so hard for me to tell my friends how I
really feel, because I just feel like none of them
will understand how I feel. I act like a really
funny person when I'm with them, but it's not
how I really feel all the time. My friends just
see me as a wild person; but there's like a whole
different side to me that they don't even know about.


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