Thoughts from Blue Angel
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2001-07-05 06:05:56 (UTC)


I'm feeling very lonely tonight. Very, very alone... I
wish I had someone...

Adam is gone for the week.

Jeremy isn't online.

I was talking to Jason earlier, but he just left without
saying goodbye. I don't know what's up with him. We've
been getting along really well since he got home from
visiting his parents. He's actually just like a real
person when he's not being an asshole. I told him not too
long ago that I think he acts like a jerk because he's
really insecure, and he said that maybe I was right. He's
acted differently ever since. I guess he knows that I have
him figured out.

I don't know why I feel so attracted to Jason. We fight
all the time and we have very little in common, but there's
just something about him. I told him this, and he told me
that he feels the same way. He then went on to tell me
that he wished that he could just jump through the computer
and hold me, but he couldn't because he has to respect the
girl he's with. He's never said anything like that
before. Something tells me that the Jason that tries to
act all macho and insensitive isn't the real Jason at all.
I just wonder why he feels so insecure. I guess that's the
psych major coming out in me. :)

I miss feeling safe. I really do. I haven't felt secure
in a relationship since I dated Keith, who I broke up with
my junior year. We dated for almost 2 years. I miss
having that stability and consistency in my life. I always
knew he was there. Now, there's no one who I feel I can
fully depend on. I trust Adam completely to never
purposefully hurt me. What I'm afraid of is what he can do
unwillingly. His feelings can change, and that wouldn't be
his fault. In fact, I don't count on anyone's feelings
towards me to stay constant. No wonder I'm paranoid. It's
hard to overcome the experiences that teach you fear. My
past relationships have definitely taught me how to fear
and to build that wall.