sarah beara

sarah beara
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2002-07-26 03:01:18 (UTC)

i realize just how naive i was..

i realize just how naive i was before. how many things i
thought i knew but really didn't...i've gone through a lot
of personal shit over the past few months...the most
difficult time for me that i've ever gone through. i can't
even say that there is one person in the world that knows
exactly what i've been going through...okay, so there might
be one - but for the most part i've kept it all inside. i
don't know why. i know it's not good. but i didn't know
what else to do. i don't like to admit when i make
mistakes. i don't like to admit when i am on the brink and
feel like i'm about to fall over the edge. i don't like
it. i hate feeling helpless. i like to make myself think
that i have control over what goes on in my life...even
when i don't. the past few months honestly have to be the
first time in my life that i've felt completely
helpless....like there was nothing that could make me feel
better - like there was nothing that could help put pieces
back into place. i've felt like i was missing
something...and to be honest, i never even knew if i'd find
it again or not.

but i did. i've found what was missing...or what at least
makes things feel okay again. i've found something that
makes me feel strong again. something that makes me know
that everything will work out...somehow...someday. that is
such a relief. i feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted
off my shoulders. i feel like i'll make it...and i'm happy
to see that everything i've gone through didn't break
me...but made me stronger. sure there are times when i
still feel myself falling now - but i know that those times
will pass...that there will be times when i feel like that -
and that's okay...i can't stop it. i needed to learn to
let the moments like that happen because there is nothing i
can do or could have done to stop it. i'm stronger now.
it's such an amazing feeling.

i'll admit it. i've been quite foolish in the past year.
i have thought more with my heart rather than my head...not
that it's a bad thing - but my problem was i was ONLY
thinking with my heart and pushing what my head was
thinking to the side. i can honestly say that what
happened over the past 6 months completely fucked me up.
everything. where i felt i was going in life. my
emotional and financial stability were broken...that's not
a good feeling. i would like to say that i hate him for
that. but i don't...at least not for that. i'd like to
say that i would erase that whole time period from my life -
but i wouldn't....it has helped to teach me so many things
that i would never give up. yes, i honestly do believe
that i was in love...i was completely and utterly head over
heals in love...i felt it through my bones. but that's
over. i've realized that i can't let love blind me from
the rest of the situation. i can't let love control
everything i do - no matter how much i might want it to. i
just can't do it...at least not with being rational about
things. if you're reading this, it's not a guilt trip, i'm
only saying what i have realized. also out of this i've
realized that i need to love me for who i am...i need to
surround myself with people who think the same thing...that i'm good
enough being just who i am. sure there are things that i
could change about myself, but i am who i am right
now...that is what makes me beautiful...that is what makes
me special (god, that sounds so corny - but it's
true)...i've learned that if someone doesn't love me even
with all of my imperfections and would rather spend 99.9%
of our time together worrying about changing them - then
that person isn't worth my time....as a friend or as a
lover. the one who loves me and loves my imperfect self is
the person who REALLY loves me. and if i don't love my
imperfections then who will....if i don't think or feel
beautiful, then am i really?

i've come to realize over the past few weeks that i have a
new best friend. someone who i honestly think helped me in
ways that he probably doesn't have the slightest clue
about. someone who was my get-away when i was surrounded
by all the nonsense that my life had become over the past
few months. it's the greatest feeling in the world to know
that you have someone who you can completely trust. that
you know understands you. that you know you can run to
when you need someone. that you know will always be there.
that lets you know that there isn't anything in the world
to worry about. that lets you know things will be okay.
that lets you know you aren't as alone as you think you
are. i've never really told him just how much he's done
for me...simply because i haven't really had the
opportunity and i haven't been able to really find the
right words. i think he knows anyway though. i honestly
don't know where i'd be without having someone like him
around. i had no one else to go to and he was there.
everyone else was in "i told you so" mode and he was there
listening. sure, he "told me so" too - but it was
different for him....he'll have a place in my heart
forever - if for no other reason (and believe me there are
plenty more reasons that just this) but the fact that i
cherish him and his friendship more than anything else in
this world.

i got a new job today. it's such a great feeling to know
that things are looking up. that my financial instability
is now a thing of the past...something that i'll be able to
look back at 6 months from now and say "what the fuck were
you thinking??" i say that now - but it'll have more
meaning once all this is over...

my brothers girlfriend is pregnant again. that's both a
good thing and a bad thing...good because it means another
cute little baby...bad because they are both in the same
boat they've been in for the past 6 months with my
nephew...no apartment, gf has no job, brother on house
arrest, brother still crazy. : it's not my problem - it
just makes me worry a bit.


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