myrddyn

reflections from the kiddie pool
2002-07-25 20:51:24 (UTC)

Clarification


For my own purposes, I am going to clarify my entry of
yesterday. When I discuss that particular regret, I want
to make clear that it has nothing to do with my wife.

It wasn't whether I was going to marry, it was who was I
going to marry. And by that I don't mean that I had a
conscious desire to get married. It was more a function of
who I was at the time. Naive, impulsive, needy, insecure.

If I didn't propose to my current wife, it probably would
have been the girlfriend immediately after. Or if I
wouldn't have broken up with my prior girlfriend to date my
current wife, it probably would have been her (shudder).
Or if my wife and I had make our temporary break-up after 3
months permanent, once again it probably would have been
the next girlfriend.

In that light, whether I ended up marrying a compatible
long-term mate was left completely to chance. Let's face
it, you date some pretty strange people when you are in
college. After college, your social life seems to be
defined by your friends and interests, and your work.

But in college, all of that changes from semester to
semester, and sometimes mid-semester. I remember once I
had just broken up with this girl, and I had 2 tickets for
that night's Little Shop of Horrors. So I decided to go
into the Journalism lab to do some work, and ask the
prettiest girl there if she wanted to go with me to Little
Shop of Horrors. It worked like a charm, sort of. She was
more than happy to go, and she was fun to be with, except
she didn't really tell me until later, like after we had
been going out on and off for a couple months, that she was
dating about 5 guys.

But the point is that was pretty out-of-character for me,
but typical of the randomness with which I ended up with
partners during college.

So, bottom line is me college = emotional immaturity =
overcompensating commitment = random life partner.

Now, I suppose if I had randomly chosen my perfect match, I
would not have considered it a regret but rather an extreme
amount of luck. My wife and I may not be the perfect
match, but there are ways in which we complement each other
that can be satisfying.

I don't have too much more to say on that subject, I just
thought it to be important, for my own mental and emotional
relationship to this journal, that I make sure the whole
story is presented. Or at least my interpretation and
understanding of my life.

In unrelated news, my Hapkido instructor has told me that I
am ready to test for my next belt. It's one of those
things that I don't even think about, because I justlove
going to class and learning. I think I have excellent
focus, but I don't have a practice partner. Since I'm not
big on practicing alone, my practice is deficient. I have
talked to some people in class about getting together on
the weekend, I think that will come to fruition after the
school year starts.

Anyway I am always pleased when he does tell me I am ready,
even if I am unsure. His confidence in my ability has made
it much easier to stick with the training.

It's quite exciting. Plus, my sister and her husband are
in town, and they may come to watch the test. It isn't a
big-deal kind of test, but I have invited them in case they
are curious.




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