LadyPathos

Ramblings of the mind.
2002-07-25 07:13:52 (UTC)

mi sono smarrita

'I am lost.'

Yes, I am lost. Another day another question, another road,
another turn, soon I wonder where I am and how do I find my
way back.
I talked to my husband or I guess, Ex-husband again today
he's stopped by for the past two days. Things just seem so
good when he's around my daughter is happy, I'm happy, but
no one knows what he feels.
On the net tonight he told me I needed to take the first
step but what is the first step I keep asking but to no
reply.
I've worked on myself mentally, physically, and spiritually
perhaps next is emotionally. It seems all my words of love
have no meaning for trust has long been lost perhaps now it
is just time to let go. Not to give up, for I could never
do that but to let the Lord choose our path and for us to
all walk it. God but that sounds so much liking giving up
and the last thing I want to do is to give up on the man I
love.
So many tell me to move on, so many make passes at me now
that I'm single and tell me that they've had feelings for
me for some time now. Old boyfriends from across the
country suddenly get in touch with me and what am I to
think? Is every sign telling me to move on that it was not
ment to be or are these only misdirections for the weak to
follow. My love is not weak, my hear yes is broken and
pains for the past that I know I shall never obtain.
I'm tired of this crying though, I'm tired of feeling the
cold seep into my body creeping along my bones as the world
takes a darker look, the shadows consuming all around so it
seems I am left in utter darkness.
I know somewhere in me there is still that flame that
flickers, the one that could lighten not only my own world
but those of others. Somewhere locked within I have the
strength, beauty and wits to over come this.. but where.
Has the dragon that once protected the child inside me
decided to swallow her up instead now? It cannot be for the
rage is not there that normally is when the dragon has
control but what then? What has got my mind so trapped
where I cannot get past even my own defenses.
What being has posessed me and tainted my soul.
I close my eyes and all I can see is darkness all I can
feel is hurt. I pray for forgiveness but as the time grows
I no longer can even forgive myself.
The choices in my life though with good intention for my
own well-being is causing my end.
Perhaps I shall meditate on it, see if I can free my soul
from the confinds of this body to find truely what it is
that I search for.
That is what I shall do.
I shall call to the four elemental directions for
protection as I do so and as the Lord to see it fit that I
am sheltered.
G'night.




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