tattoos and memories...
its funny when i go in to tell her im here.
when im not really home.
but thats what i say.
i dont feel like i have a home.
i dont know where it is anymore.
when i was little and i got upset i would be like
"i want to go home.."
i even did that when i was there.
im better at this than i thought i would be.
i cant decide if thats a good or bad thing.
robin is so great.
my back hurts an awful lot.
i cant wait to give emily her book. im exicted. gee.
im missing her right now.
but its okay.
shell be "here" tomorrow.
so thats good.
alli leaves tomorrow for virgina.
its funny because thats where sandy is right now too.
i havent seen or talked to sandy recently.
eh. and i dont really care if i do.
its lightining here a whole lot and its really pretty.
its so beautiful.
and scary all at the same time.
much like life. you know.
it can fucking kill you. but its so pretty and great.
i dont think that im going to be able to sleep tonight.
i have been not sleeping so well so much recently.
its very uncool.
im not happy.
but im not unhappy.
im in this disgusting limbo.
jennifer isnt calling me back. she hasnt been.
i understand that she has her life there and everything.
but damn. you know.
its just so sad to me. this whole thing. this whole yeah
everyone is your life leaves you eventually thing you know.
i mean she was the one fucking person besides shaun that i
thought would always be there. no matter fucking what. and
shes not. and its just disheartening to actually be FORCED
to come to terms with that. shes doing the same fucking
shit she did with aaron. and WHO was there for her after
the entire aaron situation. you know. and i mean...i just
feel like. so...i dont know. just unsatisfied with the way
things are/have turned out with her. i love her so much. as
a person you know. and she means so much to me, and i know
that i mean a lot to her to. but...fuck it. whatever. i
dont want to think about it anymore.
just avoid thinking about things, and they are sure to go
always. you know. always.
13 to 18 is a fuck of a long time. and a fuck of a lot of
changing and whatever else and we made it through that. we
fucking made it through HIGHSCHOOL man. i walked with her
at graduation. we WENT to our fucking graduation together.
just like we ENTERNED highschool together. and now. and now
what. i mean jesus in highschool is where you change the
most throughout your entire life. and the YEAR after that
its just. over. or whatever. and its bullshit. dude we
didnt fucking talk for over a year and i mean. theres just
SO much that i cant even write about in here and fucking
now its just. nothing. theres not even fucking closure. and
i THINK i fucking deserve at least that you know. unless
were not done. but, the way things are fucking looking.
they are man. but how the FUCK would i even know i dont
even TALK to the girl anymore.
"best friends forever, apart or together"
"best friends" call one another back. "best friends" are
INVOLVED in one anothers lives.
im just so angry. so fucking angry.
and its not like a relationship thing at ALL. at fucking
i mean shes all about boys and whatever else and it could
just never even POSSIBLY work out like that because of
stupid shit. the same fucking stupid shit that broke us up
in ninth grade.
its just i MISS my FRIEND. you know.
and in some weird way i feel as if she like, thinks im all
about something else, when im really not. like at all.
i fucking did everything for that girl. everything. every
fucking thing. for six years.
and its like we go from A to B so quickly. all the time.
its always been like that. from hey ashley lets have sex.
hey ashley cheat on your girlfriend. hey ashley look at my
nipple rings. hey ashley let me sit on your lap and be all
whatever. to...yeah. im moving. im moved. and now im never
going to talk to you again.
its like one thirty. i think im going to go to sleep. im
supposed to get lunch with my mommy tomorrow. yay. =)