cosmic ski slopes
2001-07-05 00:04:05 (UTC)


I'm so lost and so frightened right now... Last night wetn
great, I got to be with Nick, stuff with my family (well,
my mom) seemed cool for a few hours and all my friends were
getting along- hooking up and sharing a blanket for the
fireworks at the 'night b4 the 4th'. And then this morning,
life went back to normal: completely devoid of things like
fireworks, true awe, and love. Last night, watching the
show, I had Nick arms wrapped around me for the first time
in forever, I mean- we haven't even hugged since I can't
remember when. I think it was his birthday. I felt like
things were getting better, he had been joking with us all
night, his old self- things were being put back in place
like they used to be.
And this morning, me and jenny were up at 5 and we let the
guys sleep in a little (did I explain our plans? We all
slept in tents outside my house after the show in
Rochester, me, Nick, Jenny, her bf Tory, and Fuzz). Well,
we woke up Tory and Fuzz and I let Nick sleep, he's been so
tired lately and I'm being patient and loving and all that
ther stuff that I'm not good at being... so he slept almost
until he had to leave, around 8 am cuz he had a family
thing... and then when he left he kissed me goodbye and
drove away and I went and sat with the other 3 still here.
Jenny immediately said she thinks he's stuck up just
because he was here with me but chose to sleep the whole
night and that it was a waste of a perfectly good chance to
be alone with me and he was stupid about it. I almost
decked her. ory and Fuzz both think he's cool, even if he
was quiet most of the night at the fairgrounds. I wanted so
badly to tell him that I love him, that he amazes me and is
evaxctly everything that I could ever want from a friend
and a boyfriend... But I didn't. I never do. 'never say I
love you til you mean it', i've never said it. I'm so
afraid that if he's distant from me now, and then I tell
him, he'll get even more disconnected. or he'll feel
obligated which would be even worse- that's why I haven't
told him abut my depression or my panick disorder or
anything like that, not even the xanax, which doesn't seem
to be workign anymore...

I was sitting with jenny and tory and fuzz on our porch, we
were waiting for jenny's dad to come pick up her and tory,
and we were all sitting and talking and joking and
everythign was normal, u know? And I felt so lonely, even
beig there with three of my closest friends, I felt like
the people there meant nothgin to me and I didn't want to
be sitting there all normal and missing Nick so much it
hurt and I just wanted to cry. I wish that instead of just
putting me on drugs they wuld ask me what was wrong- why
I'm like this. But ofcourse they never did, they never even
left me alone with Dr. Chase so he could ask me about my
attackas... Mom answered all his questions.

I can't do this anymore... I can't be all normal and I
can't miss Nick and I can't be patient and I can't not tell
him that I love him and I can't not tell Mom that my
problems are just getting worse and I can't keep all of
this inside and only tell some faceless person who I don't
even know! I don't even know why I write this damn diary, I
mean, what is it doing for me? it's making me think about
all the stuff I want to avoid...


I've stopped eating completely now... almost three days
with no food, it can't be good for me.

I miss Hun... I still haven't talked to her and I feel like
that's one of the reasons my world is just falling apart
right now. I complain about Nick being disconnected yet I
feel distant from everyone, not just Nick.

I miss Brian. I'm so angry with him for what he did and I'm
so disappointed in him and I don't really want to believe
it but I have to cuz it's true so nothing that I think
matters. He wrote a survey the other dya and sent it to
everyone except for me, one of the questions was "do you
remember yuour first love?" and he said "yeah, Tina". then
it asked if he still loves me and he said that we're close
friends, I miss him though. We're not close anymore at all,
so much has changed between us and for once we didn't
notice, we didn't create the change ourselves.

I'm so scared... I don't want to feel this way anymore, I
don't want to be afraid, I don't want to be alone, I just
need to know that someone loves me because right now I feel
ike there's no one in the world... Like I'm surrounded by
this void that no one can come into but nobody wants to