Just a guy

Logic of the Insane
2002-07-24 21:58:30 (UTC)

Life in general.

Hello again readers. . .if there are any of you left. I
know that this diary lost what it once had. . .a very
poetic veiw of things going on in my life and I am
extremely sorry for ceasing that style of writting. I want
to go back to it, but at the same time I don't because I
always focus in on bad parts of my life when I do. It is
pain and suffering along with some intellectuality that
creates good and interesting writting. . .but I don't feel
like doing it anymore.
I am tired of thinking nothing but bad things about
myself, that is all I see when I think of myself, I don't
like it and I don't want to do it anymore. So. . .how do I
change? That is the question. . .I have a goal. . .but how
do I reach it? How do I control my own thought
process. . .can I? Is it even possible for one to
completely control their own thoughts? If not, how do I
change my thoughts? I have no clue about where to begin.
Things have really gotten worse. . .but fot the first
time, I don't care what certain people think. Don't get me
wrong, I love Albert, but I don't care what he thinks
because I have tried to reason with him and he is so

I should start at the very begining. . .a very good
place to start. . .nevermind. Jessica is an aweomse person,
she is a cheerleader and very talented dancer and singer.
She is so beautiful and although she has her shortcomings
and weaknesses, she is awesome.I always thought of her as
the typical stuck-up snobby cheerleader. She played my
daughter in the Sound of Music. . .my eldest, Liesel. I got
to see a different side of her and no longer thought of her
that way. She was cool. . .popular, yet still maintaining
her sense of individuality.

One day Albert approached me with a problem. He liked
her. . .a lot. And I talked with him about it. . .shared
some of my own experiences with him and nothing more really
happened. Then, Jessica talked with me about it too. She
wanted to like Albert, but she couldn't. Don't ask me to
explain because I wont tell you much of what she has
entrusted me with. That was the situation. He wanted to be
with her and she wanted to want to be with him.
I tried to explain this to Albert, but he wont accept
anything that differs from the way that he wants things to
go. He is too stubborn! I can't talk to him anymore when it
is just me and him or online. . .we always fight and I get
so frustrated. I continued to talk with my daughter. . .my
Bellissima (Most Beautiful in Italian). We got to know each
other really well and my "fatherly love" for her grew into
something more than that. She deserves so much more than
she has been getting. I want to be the one to give her
everything that she needs. . .I don't think that I can do
it, though. I have been protecting her from things that I
think would hurt her. Like I went to a party with her and I
kept an eye on her while she drank. I was just making sure
that she was okay and no one tried anything.
Albert followed me to the party. . .that is the last
place he should have gone. Drugs and alcohol. . .he didn't
need to be exposed to that. So I told him to go home and I
went inside. He ended up staying out there for four hours
or so until finally walking home. Then he got mad at me. I
told him to just go home. He didn't listen. . .but at the
same time, if he wanted to go inside, he would have so he
can't put the blame on me anymore.
Soon after, he asked me if I liked Jessica more than a
friend. . .and I was honest and told him yes. He went
really crazy and now, he blames me for preventing her
wanting to be with him. That is not fair. . .is it? I mean,
I didn't do anything. The situation would have come out the
same even if I never entered the picture. . .she felt the
same way about him before as she did after I talked with
her. He is not right accusing me off splitting up something
that was never together.
Then, about a week ago, he told Gloria his side of the
story. She got pissed off at me too. That devestatied
me. . .I love Gloria so much. . .and she was totally
condemming me for something that I didn't do based on one
biast side of the story. I was so hurt. . .she didn't even
ask me about it or wait to hear my side, or Jessica's side,
she just automatically sided with Albert and attacked
me. . .and he tried to turn Edward agaisnt me too, but
Edward did not succumb to Albert's sympathy plea and he
heard me out and decided that I really didn't do anything
and that I shouldn't worry about what Albert thinks or what
Gloria thinks because by attacking me for something that
they know I already feel bad for, they are not acting like
good friends. Friends should support their friends when
they are sad and when they do something wrong. . .they
should give supportive advice, not completely bash them.
And Gloria didn't give me that courtesy. I don't know much
about her anymore. She holds grudges and she is sometimes
stubborn as well. . .also, Jerry tells her everything so I
can't tell Jerry anything anymore.
He moved to Texas by the way. . .I don't remember if I
had mentioned that. . .I am really sad. He is such a good
guy. I miss hanging out with him and talking to him. :-( I
miss Jerry. I don't feel like talking about that anymore.

Anyway. . .for the frist time I don't really care what
Gloria thinks or what Albert thinks. . .all I know is that
I like Jessica. And we hangout a lot and we talk almost
everday. . .some of my friends think that we are going out
already. . .but I don't know. It is a lot like we are
going out, but I don't know. I am so confused. . .I don't
even think that she could see me as anymore than
her "papa." But it is becomming incresingly harder not to
act on these feelings for her. I feel like such a low life
talking about this.

Gloria's feelings are that I don't really like anyone,
that I am simply jealous of the one that they like so I
move in and break them up and then try to move in on the
girl. Like Shelly. . .Trino liked her before I did. . .and
then with Jessica. . .ALbert liked her. . .it makes so much
sense. What if I do do that? That would prove, once and for
all, how horrible I am. I don't mean to do it. . .but I
don't know anymore. Gloria is probably right. . .even
though I don't agree with her. I think that everyone would
be better off if I had just stayed in AZ. . .why did I have
to come and ruin everyone's life just because I wanted to
be here? I am so selfish!

Anyway, Jessica is away at cheer camp and I miss her
already. Then, after that, her cheerleading squad is going
to Las Vegas. . .so she wont be back until either the first
or the second. . .we are going to go somewhere together on
the second. Maybe to dinner and then to see the new Dana
Carvey movie. It looks good. It all depends on how she is
feeling, we may just do one or the other or maybe something
else. . .like I said, it depends on her. I better go, this
entry is long enough to choke a donkey. I hope everyone is
doing well and you all better take care. . .drop me a
message if you can offer any thoughts regarding my
situation. Until next time. . .