as the Oval turns
2001-07-04 19:29:00 (UTC)

the question

Yeah, I've been praying about it all...trying to figure out
what the deal is with the whole situation w/Pacey telling
Esther all that stuff. The more I thought about it and
prayed about it and opened myself up to what God's
interpretation is about it and what, if anything, I should
do about it, the more un-kosher it was looking.
So I talked to Pacey today on IM, got out the whole
thing. At first I asked him why he chooses to be my
friend...and he was pretty close to flipping out b/c he
thought it was going to be yet another one of these really
screwed-up "talks" we've had 9 million times. Then I had
to come out w/the fact that I had a reason for what I was
saying, and I told him about how I knew about the convo he
had w/Esther, and b/c of what he said, I questioned his
motive for being my friend. So after making his comment
about how much he doesn't like girls gossiping so much, he
said that he didn't mean it the way I saw it. Pacey's
interpretation was different from both mine and Esther's,
and claimed that he was trying to prove a point about
expanding friendships, stuff like that. He also said that
he didn't think that he was "doing me a favor" by being my
friend, and if he was, he'd be doing a bad job...
So do I believe Pacey? Do I believe Esther? At this
point, I'm not sure. What Pacey said had some holes in
it. Esther says that Pacey probably does care about me and
doesn't want to hurt me...but if that's the case, why was
she so adamant about not telling anyone, esp. him, what she
told me? Pacey never addressed his reservations about
IMing me, so if it was a matter of "expanding friendships,"
then why would he bring up his worries about IMing me first
and leading me on?

What the hell is going on?

Maybe it's not the will of God for me to know...maybe if
I knew, I would regret even asking. I just know that if
Pacey and/or Esther are lying to me or keeping something
back, God will surely convict them on that. I will leave
things as they are, b/c I don't know what happened, and I
wasn't there. I just hope it doesn't get back to Esther,
and if it does, she understands that I had to ask Pacey b/c
God led me to. I hope it doesn't jack up their
relationship or whatever they have together (I don't
believe in hating on people).
As far as Pacey goes, I know that this has changed the
way I see him. I believe that God is showing me that Pacey
is nowhere near the "dream guy" I thought he was, that I
really liked the image rather than the man, what Pacey
represents rather than who he is. And b/c I'm finally
seeing that, I don't like him anymore. Okay, so I'm taking
back my resolve to never speak to him again. But I see him
more for who he is, and yeah, that's a real letdown. But
it's the truth.

"But all things that are exposed are made manifest by the
light, for whatever makes manifest is light." Ephesians 5:13

"Therefore judge nothing until the Lord comes, who will
both bring to light the hidden things of darkness and
reveal the counsels of the hearts. Then each one's praise
will come from God." 1 Corinthians 4:5

What a difference a day makes!

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