Jammes14

Mercury
2002-07-24 06:55:38 (UTC)

stuck

im in summer school now, 4.5 hours of pe. way too boring.
but, i have to say, it is bringing up some interesting
results on my psyche. especially swimming. at first, i
was extremely worried about people pitying me for having no
one to talk to. but they never realize im happier just
sticking to myself. i think ive gotten 2 attempts from
people trying to talk, i did what i could, and they left me
alone. but now, its gotten way to boring. about 30
minutes in the pool, with nothing to do. i try to just
hang out near other loners, but they've gone extinct. so i
just hang at the edge, staring at the edge of pool, trying
to sleep. but its too boring, i can't sleep, its nerve
racking. this has never really happened before, in
classrooms i could sleep or read or whatnot, but in a pool,
you're always moving so its nearly impossible to sleep, so
im just bored out of my mind. so, social fears have been
nearly thwarted by boredom. there are many forces in my
mind, to name most: boredom, social anxiety, guilt, mercury
( most anime), arachnophobia, self-hate. im trying to
figure out the hiearchy behind them. i always thought that
social anxiety was always at the highest, cause i squashed
a spider with my bare feet b/c people were around me,
anyway, it seems boredom may beat s.a. but i dunno, chaos
happens, who know what the fuck is going on.
i think that sugar helps repress self-hate. i could almost
draw anime a few nights ago, something thats fuckin
impossible due to my self hate. but i felt strangely
attracted to the art, and i could draw a little before i
quit. but i ate a lot of sugar that night, i think, so
that coudl be the reason. it might be like speed, a drug i
might take if my self-hate of my creations gets out of
control, where i just have to do something, and that
ambition might overthrow whatever, im branching off into a
new field, here, maybe ill give it some thought when im in
the pool, or something. i need to get addicted to
something, alchohol, speed, cocaine, and heroin are some
top choices, i just need an addiction to focus on, just
another form of self-mutilation, im running out of
alternatives here. i might have add. i doubt ill check it
out anytime soon, tho.