teejaye

deckard's life
2002-07-23 05:12:54 (UTC)

falling and running and tripping

these insecurities of minejust crawl up from the depths of
my stomach through my skin and infect the very synapses of
my brain. like a disease...and there is no way to run away.
there's no way to run from yourself and the dark and
creeping shadows succeeding it.
i have no backbone. i acquiesce to others far too easily.
and by the same token i try constantly to keep others
around me happy but that doesnt help me after a while. it
just leaves me with a lot of faces smiling at this hollow
being trying to right his wrongs with gifts and promises,
all the while knowing that what he actually craves is a
relationship and a voice to be heard. but that rarely
happens.
i'm inferior. so many more interesting and smarter people i
surround myself with in an attempt to by some sort of odd
osmosis usurp some of them repackage it and call it my own.
just to stay above water. it's hard thinking this, it's
even harder accepting it as a reality. until i prove to
myself that i'm unique and worth something like they are
i'll never be happy. i dont know how to go about doing that
though.
i lie to make myself to feel good sometimes. just fall into
this imagined world where i throw myself into these
fantasies and after a while i just start believing them.
it's easier to believe the lies when they are far better
than this existence being played out in reality. anything,
death, is preferable to that. and the fantasies have such
wonderful colors and images and feelings that it's just
hard to let go. it's hard to come crashing down to where i
am now, alone, rejected...tired. tired of differing
opinions and having to rely on others acceptance of me in
order for me to feel better. and when they berate me i
believe them because i'm a part of them. and despite the
fact that they are the biggest assholes to me i can't stop
myself from being sad that i can't please them. i'm always
in this race to make them happy and it never happens.
you're just not good enough.
and despite what others tell me this is what i feel. no
matter how many times i'm told the only person i have to
live with is me and how i should be proud of myself, my
happiness lies in their hands.
i'm not always like this. it's just as the night wanes
thinking becomes harder and it's easier to think the
thoughts that frequent you the most.
current music: underworld- born slippy




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