My Life's Thoughts
2002-07-23 04:17:02 (UTC)

today is july 22 one day sice my last entery

Have you ever thought that you would never find your
soul mate,and always wish that with everything you have in
you that you would find that missing half,I used to sit on
my bed at the childern's home and stare out the window and
wonder if i would ever meet him,and wonder if that was what
he was thinking too,feeling lonley and wanting that one
person who you know that without a dought that your being
called by them you can since them in every since of the
word. I did that all i ever wanted was my soulmate that was
it no more no less. But somthing wierd happened,it's like i
know this person in every since,right from the start like i
knew him and done this one hundred times,always with him
you miss it when it's not there but boy do you know it's
there like an arm or a leg that was just invisable.
I think that i have everything that people
would give there lives for,and still i'm not exactly happy
i have the man that is deffenatly without a dought my match
in every way, like we are one and always near eachother
never to be seperated,to do so would be like severing
simease twins. I have often thought that if i leave i will
be better off,but i know that i will miss it my life the
life i always wanted,i used to dream of having somone love
this much,god and a housewife. Those were my dreams not
quit like this but you know what it's me. everything about
this relationship is me it's who i am it's who i wanted to
be.......kinda it's never what your fantasies look like but
it's real it's life it's actually real.I have this guy who
is willing to do what ever it takes to take care of me and
he loves doing it,he goes to work and comes home and we
sort out the bills and figure out what we have next to pay
off we run low on things but what we don't have we somehow
seem to make it through and it turns out ohwell lets just
improvise and get it when we can. It's funny to think of it
that way here i was just thinking how depressed i am and
how sufficated i feel just being with him and i'm hoping
for that fresh breath of air that i want so badly to feel
again that one fresh breath of air and i'm afraid that i'm
not going to feel it with him,I just need to breath knowing
that i'm ok and life is not going to end soon,that things
are just going to stay the same and not change and that
i'll have the things that i desire and that i got somebody
who loves me. My dreams are just those to breath and know
that i'm breathing in life and it's not a car i need or
money,but the feeling that i have a start and it's good it
will take me where i want to go. the start of my life, you
see i don't fear death i welcome it,it's the thought of
living that scares me to live in this world as an equal has
always been a far cry for me.

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