marinabreeze

as the Oval turns
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2001-07-03 15:55:50 (UTC)

Insincerity

Imagine this scenario happened to you:
Yesterday, Esther said that she talked to Pacey about me
last friday. When she went over what happened over im, it
didn't sound all that bad...but it didn't sound "kosher,"
either. When I talked to her later in the day, she gave me
the "full story" of their convo over im. Here's the gist:

Pacey: Esther, do you think it's a bad idea for me to im
Jaye first?

Esther: Why?

Pacey: I just want to be her friend, and I don't want to
make her think that I want to date her or anything,
and get her feelings hurt.

Esther: I don't think she'll get the wrong impression,
besides, friends do talk, right?

Pacey: Yeah, that's true.

Esther: You want to be her friend, right?

Pacey: Yeah, I mean, Jaye doesn't seem to have that many
friends.

Esther: Yes she does!

Pacey: Who besides Jenna?

Esther: Me, other people in IV, she has lots of friends.
She just hangs out with Jenna a lot b/c they're
like best friends.

Pacey: It just doesn't seem like Jaye really goes out.

Esther: She does go out...like yesterday she went to our
friend's party and then out to Gameworks, and she
had a lot of fun. Pacey, do you really want to be
her friend?

Pacey: Yeah, I mean, we're all brothers and sisters in
Christ, and that wouldn't be right if I didn't want
to be her friend.

Esther: Really, though, Pacey, do you want to be her
friend? If you don't, you should be honest with
her.

Pacey: I do.

Esther: Okay, then.

Esther saw someone who really wants to be my friend. I
saw someone whose motives are suspect, at best, for being my
friend. I see someone who is patronizing me, feeling sorry
for me, so he wants to be my friend to soothe his aching
conscience. I see that he hasn't put me in "the friend
zone," but in "the charity case zone." If you feel like
you're obligated to be my friend, or you're doing it b/c you
feel pity on me, then I don't need you, you're not my
friend. The funny thing is, I actually had thought that I
was hard on him, and I wanted to apologize to him--all this
time he's been fake towards me. I thought he did see me as
someone that seemed pretty cool and he sincerely wanted to
get to know me. But it's not really like that, is it. I
don't know what God's heart is on it or what I should do
about it, but if it's up to me I won't ever speak to Pacey
again, ever. I don't need people around me that think that
they're doing me a favor by being my friend. That's not
friendship. I have had too many men pick me apart b/c they
didn't deem me as "good enough." I'm cleaning house, I
don't need Pacey. I know I deserve more than someone who
wants to boost his own ego for brownie points. And to
think, I thought this jerk was my "dream guy." I'm taking a
page out of Esther's book.

I didn't really like him, I just thought I did.


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