Visions Of Life
2002-07-22 03:35:22 (UTC)

Im Not Sure Of What Im Feeling

I think Im depressed. Im not suicidal and do not want to
cut but I feel blah. I dont want to see anyone or do
anything. I was sleeping alot but now when I close my eyes
I am haunted by a certain reality and I cry inside and just
lay there in a coma. Part of me says i shouldnt be
depressed but the other part recognizes whats bothering me
and it is a serious matter and Im going to have to live
with reality because being tolerant is the only way to
remain somewhat happy. Its killing me inside. I cant take
it and no one seems to care what i think. Im only tolerant
cuz if Im not, I wont see him and i need him so much right
now. I need him because im depressed and depressed in a way
because of him. Its so hopeless.

I found a blade when i was cleaning. I through it out. I
guess thats progress tho at times i feel like an idiot for
disposing of it.

Im very bothered by the fact that I kind of want to be
engaged. I dont want to actually be married right now but i
cant get this engagement bullshit out of my head. I know it
wont happen. He keeps going back and forth and i doubt he
actually wants to marry me. I just dont know why i cant
shake this illusion. It is not like me to fantasize about
such things. Fuck, I dont want to think about that shit

He almost died a week agho and it took this long for that
reality to sink in. The thought of him not being around
terrifies me. i need him more then i have ever needed
anything or anyone. I cant imagine a day without him and im
so scared that something like what happened will happen
again and ill lose him forever.

I sound sp pathetic. Goodnight