LoveGod

Different Worlds
2002-07-22 02:05:05 (UTC)

Why can I always find stuff to freak out about?

I guess I'm going bowling with Matt tomorrow. I want to
go but I don't want to go but I want to go but...you get
the idea. I don't really like to bowl anyway, but there's
not really anything else to do. Bowling is fine in a
bigger group like we did a couple of times during school,
but one on one is sort of icky. Actually, now that I
think about it, it's very icky because the last time Adam
and I went out as a couple (almost exactly a year ago) we
went bowling. And tomorrow it will be just me and Matt
and that's weird. Just like it's weird that they both
like Zaxby's and Applebee's and both dated Renee'...I
don't understand. Speaking of Renee'...Haley said she saw
her Saturday when we were out shopping. As much as I hate
to say this, I'm really glad I missed her. I feel like
that would be soooooo awkward. I don't know...it just
seems like Renee' and I should have a weird thing about
each other given our history. Oh well.

The other thing that's bothering me at the moment is I
feel like people expect me to be this great moralist
because of how serious I am about my Christianity. Don't
get me wrong, I have pretty high moral standards for
myself, but I just really don't care to judge other people
and try to tell them that what they are doing is wrong.
That's not my job. A lot of people I know are offended by
foul language, but I'm totally not. It's not something I
generally use, but I'm not going to be totally freaked out
if someone around me says a few choice words. I'm also
not opposed to drinking. I don't care for heavy drinking
because of its consequences, but I don't think there's
anything at all wrong with me having a couple of glasses
of wine when I'm sitting at home. But at the same time I
know so many people that are totally against consuming
alcohol at all. Maybe it's just the way I was raised. I
guess my problem with all that is this: I want to marry a
strong Christian. I'm afraid that a man that is strong
enough spiritually may be against some of the things I've
just said. I won't marry someone that's going to be
offended because I want a margarita or a glass of wine or
whatever. That's stupid in my opinion. But I'm just
afraid I won't be able to find that perfect combination of
some liberal (a word I hesitate to use) beliefs and yet
still being firmly grounded in the Word and having a
strong relationship with God. It just seems so
impossible.

I guess I'm ranting about this because I'm starting to get
lonely. I'm starting to miss being in a serious
relationship. As far as I'm concerned, dating totally
sucks. I hate the nervousness and anxiety and tension and
pressure to feel likable. I enjoy being in a
relationship. I always have. I love nurturing and being
nurtured and growing and loving and sharing. God help
me...I'm such an idealist! I was an idealist with Matt, I
was an idealist with Ryan, and I'm still hanging on to
this idealistic image of Adam that I absolutely know
doesn't exist. So why do I do that? Last night I was
reminiscing about Adam, so I guess that's what started all
this. Of course, watching Sex and the City probably
didn't help either. :) See...that's what I mean...how
many of my close friends at school would I tell that I
watched Sex and the City? Ugh...I'm so bad at straddling
fences and that's exactly what I'm trying to do. I'm
trying to merge or maybe just live in both the secular and
spiritual worlds and I don't know how to deal with that.
I know I can't reconcile the two, but I don't know how to
live my life so that it includes the parts of the secular
world that I find acceptable without offending my more
conservative brothers and sisters. I think this all ties
in with how hard I try to be liked. I always seek
approval. But how can I enjoy things others find
unacceptable without having them think less of me? How
can I make people see me as I really am? Does enjoying
some secular things make me less likable to some people?
More importantly, does my acceptance of parts of the
secular world create a stumbling block for my brothers and
sisters in Christ? I guess that the ultimate question
that I should deal with. If it isn't forbidden, doesn't
harm anyone, and doesn't cause others to stumble or in any
way harm them or their relationship with God, it should be
okay. Ah yes, but where to draw that line? How do I
judge that?

On a lighter note, I went running today and didn't die of
heat exhaustion.




Ad: