am_I_human

more human than human
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2002-07-21 19:22:26 (UTC)

I want to go home.

Between the sleepless nights, and nightmares, the anxiety
attacks, the boredom, the loneliness, the guilt trips, and
the homesickness, I'm beginning to doubt I'll even make it
home. I just want to curl up and disappear. There's no one
here to talk to, and everyone is always busy. My mom is
constantly whining that my sister and I don't spend enough
time with her, but whenever I suggest something, she's too
tired, or Lee doesn't like doing that, or Alannah isn't up
to it. I'm sick of all this happy horseshit. Every 5
minutes I'm being told to grab someone their coffee, or
find their smokes, or get them their ashtray, or fetch
their fucking lighter. Last I checked, I quit Smitty's. I
haven't been sleeping well since I got here. I usually
don't fall asleep until 3-4, and often have fucked up
dreams or nightmares. Lack of anything to do leads to
boredom which has been giving way to anxiety, which
eventually turns to anxiety attacks, and back to my hatred
of being alone, which is probably why I can't sleep. I
can't even indulge in any real comfort foods because my mom
thinks I'm going to get fat, and has me half convinced that
I already am. Don't bother telling me that I'm not, chances
are I won't believe you. My sister is losing weight,
gradually going back to her drop-dead gorgeous self who
constantly rubbed my nose in the fact that she is better at
absolutely everything than me. All I really want is to get
home to where my best friend lives and have one of our
conversations that, for the hours that we talk, blocks out
any other problem imaginable. Or when we just curl up and
watch a movie together. For anyone who has read/heard my
song Drinking Buddy, he's the one it's based on.
Unfortunatly I'm quite worried about him for reasons I care
not to explain. The first thing I'll probably do when I get
home is curl up with him and talk or sleep or watch a
movie. My boyfriend might not like the idea, but I doubt
I'm really going to feel like doing much else. Except maybe
party all night and forget this whole mess ever happened.
Peach Schnapp's, Captain Morgan, and Kokanee...my closest
friend that night may be the toilet, but I don't care. I
need a distraction. I need to be with my friends. I need to
be with people I can actually talk to, who know me well
enough to not take offence when I need to vent. Hell, I
need to vent. Typing it out helps, but not as much as
yelling it would. But I can't yell here...it might upset
Lee. It's sick that I feel like more of a guest here than I
do at many of my friend's houses. Like the one where I'm
furniture. Couch, chair, Phi, table...I like knowing that I
blend in. I want to go back there. Now. The latest dream I
had about being back in Edmonton involved someone wanting
to kill me, and if I said what I think I said to him, then
I have more to think about than I thought. I wonder if that
made sense to anyone who may be reading this. I wish I had
the new Alanis album. There's a song on there that
describes about how I feel right now. "So Unsexy." But
that's assuming that I'm beautiful, as I've been told, but
I'm having difficulty believing. I need to get back to the
place where it wouldn't matter either way. I wonder if I
can hang on for two more weeks without slipping completely.
My neck hurts, my back hurts, my feet hurts, and the
cigarette smoke around here is causing a semi-permanent
headache, and car rides cause minor motion sickness because
my family seems to think that I don't mind being forced to
smoke what they're smoking. Anything I eat is generally low
fat because my mom is obsessed with weight. I need to get
out of here. The gym has lost its appeal, but I'll probably
keep going because I would like the muscle definition. It
was fun when I was going on my own will, but now it's
become an expectation from my mother. I'm tired of living
up to everyone else's expectations. Why can't they just let
me live up to my own? My standards for myself are high
enough, I think. Whatever. Someone always expects something
of you. Like being happy. That seems to be what most people
think I am. If I come to school upset, its like the world
has collapsed. Am I not allowed to have a bad day?
Comforting is nice, but when you feel like your sadness has
ruined everyone else's day it just makes it worse. I feel
like the walls here are closing in on me, that someone's
watching me, that I'm walking on eggshells where ever I
go. "Paranoia strikes deep, into your heart it will creep.
Its starts when your always afraid; step out of line, the
men come and they will take you away." It seems suiting. I
want to spar with someone. Physical pain might distract my
mind from all of this scariness surrounding me, and all of
this weight on my emotions.

I want my old friends,
I want my old face,
I want my old mind,
Fuck this time and place.
~Ani DiFranco
~Phi


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