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2002-07-21 08:53:38 (UTC)

More about me

Well, my last journal entry was more about the people who effected my life the most and not about me. Well, this one is about what my life has been like over the past 17 years. This is probably going to turn out as long as my last entry so be warned, haha.
Like I mentioned in my last entry, my mom was pretty hard on me when it came to school. She would sit me down teach me my numbers and the alphabet. I already went over the details in my last entry, but this is where I'll start.
I almost failed kingdergarden, haha, sad huh. Apperantly I was a bad kid, but that wasn't the truth. These dumb little kids would like to beat me up in front of the teacher and she wouldn't do anything about it! Oh well, they were Kingdergardeners, they couldn't do much to me so I just took it but sometimes I would fight back and I would get in trouble. From Kingdergarden to about forth grade it was the same old routine. Get bad grades, get beat up by my classmates, get beat up by my mother, get bet up by my sister, eat and sleep, haha.
I think during second or third grade my mother and father split up. I don't remember all that well because I was in the same classroom with the same people both years, it was a small school. So, because of that my memories are a bit fogged. Well, anyhow, my mother got sole custody of both me and my sister. "April" and I prefered being with our father more then our mother, I think it was because we didn't have to worry about getting smacked around by my father, since he was supposed to be on his best behavior. Yes, my mother did have sole custody of us, but she did let us see our father on the weekends, even though she didn't have too.
One thing that had always bothered me about being with my mother was the fact that she was Jehovas Witness. I'm not sure if any of you have met one, but they are nice people, they are just part of a freaking cult. I should know, I had to go to their horrible 2 1/2 "meetings" 3 nights a week, every week until about 8 months ago. They put so much presure on the parents to put presure on their children to become a full time preacher of the "word of God". You want to know what they tell kids to grow up to be, something unimprortant in the "outer world". They tell kids not to go to College, and if they do, not to go for more then two years so that they can preach door to door with everyone else again as soon as possible. They suggest becoming a janitor, maybe somebody who mows the lawns in apartment buildings, or fast food. I heard this in one of the last "meetings" I went to before I stopped going. I started to laugh and needless to say, everyone was upset with me. But anyways, I'm getting ahead of myself.
When your young and your a Jehovas Witness, life sucks. No birthdays, Christmas, Halloween, no celebrations in general. My aunt over in Alaska would always try to do something for me though, even though my mom didn't like it. She's a great person. My dad would try to do stuff like that for me too, but he always wanted something in return. He already had my working at 8 years old. We would work at night from 10:00p.m. to 6:00a.m.. We cleaned buildings and stuff, nothing hard, but when your young like that, pushing a 20 pound industrial vacuum for 8 hours is hard work. I know it's not the toughest thing in the world. So that's what he ussually wanted in return, labor. That didn't bother me though.
Another reason why my sister and I did not like being with my mom was the fact that she really started to beat us a lot worse after the divorce. I guess she felt it was a good stress reliever. She also always took the child support checks that were supposed to be for me and my sister and spent them on new clothes for herself and other things of that nature. We were miserable with her and she knew it.
In 1996 we decided to move here to Las Vegas. When I first got here I loved this town. It was so active and exciting, so much different from Anchorage. Torward the begining of sixth grade my sister started dating a guy we will call "Jacob". My mom is really against people dating before they reach 18 years of age, it's a Jehova Witness thing. Well, one day my mom caught her talking on the phone with him and started to beat her. I was 10 at the time. My sister tried to strangle her with the telephone cord but my mother wiggled free and kept going. My mother called my father and told him what happened. He got there and beat my sister up a bit too. That went on for about 3 days, then my sister ran away with "Jacob". Two days later my sister called us and told my mother she was going to get married with "Jacob" and my mother knew she couldn't do much about it. After that, no one ever laid a finger on her again, well, almost never again. She was now married at 16.
Now, it was just me and my mom. Since my dad moved down to Las Vegas with us, I was still seeing him over the weekends. Those weekends were an escape from my mother. She had become extremely irratible after my sister left and I was the only one left to take her frustration out on.
In eigth grade I tried pot for the first time. I started smoking everyday after school so when I got home I would be to out of it to care about the beatings and screaming. I don't smoke anymore, and I haven't for about a couple of years now, I am now straighege (I don't drink, smoke, do drugs of any kind). I was young and stupid, even to this day I think it was a mistake. I was also being jumped everyday after school because I turned down the offer to be jumped into a gang. I started getting tougher, I was even able to put up a good fight after a while as long as it wasn't more then 3 people. Those days are over now though.
In the middle eigth grade my father was arrested for attempted lewdness of a minor. What that pretty much means is that he raped a 5 year old girl but they couldn't prove it. I started to realize just how bad of a person he really was. Well, what can I say, it was childhood ingnorance on my part for not seeing it sooner. That's when my mother started to tell me the stories about him. I haven't talked to him since 8 days before my 13th birthday. He got sent to a mental instiution and was finally declared legally insane. We had known that for years. Oh well.
My Freshman and Sophmore year in High School were awful. I was a nobody and at the time was still wanting to be a somebody. Everyone I knew in eigth grade left me except for 2 people, my brother Daniel and my friend Allen. Me and Daniel have no blood connection, but I still think of him as a brother. It was a bad time for me and what made it worse was the fact that I had no one to talk to about it. I tried to kill myself by jumping off my balcony, but it wasn't high enough. I just recently jumped off it again, but not to try and kill myself, I jumped off just for kicks, haha. The first time I jumped I tried to land on my head, but in the air I repositioned myself and just landed on my side. That attempt wasn't all that succesful. I wanted to slit my wrists, but I didn't have the guts to go through with it, so I was left to pretty much put up with everything that was going on.
My mom was beating me often and telling me how big of a disapointment I was to her and how she wished she had never had me. My sister was trying to tell me that I was a horrible person. I didn't care anymore though.
This entire time I had been putting up with going to my moms church, the Jehovas Witnesses. They treated me like I was the anti-christ because my views differed from that of theirs. They told all the kids my age not to talk to me because I would poison their minds with my views and suggestions. Eventually I just started having fun with them by trying to pick fights with this one kid named Rodrigo who was the son of like a high status guy in the church. Haha, I actually convinced about 1/2 the people I would talk to during the Jehovas Witness "meetings" to leave the church. I did them a favor. Haha.
The summer after my Freshman year was the climax of it all. My mom was telling me how she didn't want to see my face anymore and how she hated me for everything I ever did to her. How I made everyday of her life a living hell and how she wished that my dad would have just taken me years ago before he got arrested so that she wouldn't have to live near me anymore. She said to go live with one of my friends that I liked so much, so, I did. She was shocked that I left. That was probably the most free I have ever felt my entire life, no kidding. None of her be home before 7 p.m. rules, none of her no phones calls and no friends over rules, none of her. I made sure I told her where I was at so that if she ever needed anything she could call me, I mean, my friend, Allen, lived right down the street. She had the address, telephone number, everything. She got me arrested 5 days later for being a run away. You should have seen the act, "Oh, I didn't know where he was!! He just left and didn't tell me where he was going to go!!!". Then, she said something that I just couldn't believe even she was capable of making up, "He beats me!!". That was the end of it, the cops were about to beat me for my mother in front of about 20 who had gathered to watch. I never laid a hand on her, but I could tell you that when she said that, I wanted to kill her. After eveything she had done, I was made to be the bad son. I tried to tell the police about her abusive ways, but they told me to "Shut the fuck up and respect your fucking mother or we will take you down to Juvinile Hall and get some real badasses to fuck your punk ass up.". I was surprised that these keepers of the peace were so vulgar. I hate cops now.
The entire time, my sister and her 2 daughters had been temporalily living at my moms house. When I left to Allens house, she and my mom had also gotten into a fight. My sister told me, "Don't worry, I'll help you out." She claimed that she was on my side. When I got put under house arrest and was back with my mom, her and my mom were the best of friends and they were thinking of punishments for me, together. It was a big act that she had put on to get me into all of that mess.
The entire summer I stayed inside my house unless escorted by my mom or sister. The summer was filled with threats of getting the police to throw me in Juvinile and beatings. The police told my mother to get into my face big time and try to break me. It didn't work though. My sister and my mom would beat me up together sometimes. I remember once after my mother was done hitting me my sister came in and knee'd me in the chest a couple of times before she began to punch me in the face. Good thing I was under house arrest, if I would have gone outside people would have seen how bad they messed me up. One part of my face was usually always swollen up, but most of the time my whole face would be in pretty bad shape.
Well, nothing sparks friendship like sharing a common enemy, and that's how my mother and sister became friends, but when they were done with me they once again turned on each other. "Jacob" was in the military and had been sent overseas to Korea for a year. That's why my sister was staying with us. She had 2 kids and needed help taking care of them, which was my job since my mother and sister were at work all day. But you see, my sister wasn't going to work, she was having an affair with this one guy she met a work and sticking me with her kids. I love my two nieces to pieces, but it's hard taking care of 2 little girls 13 hours straight on one or two hours of sleep. The youngest one was only 9 months old and the older one was 2 years old. The smallest one would get up about 5 times during the night, so I wouldn't be able to go to sleep. But you see, that didn't bother me, because I am their uncle and my job is to take care of them. What bothered me is that my sister had the nerve to leave them with me for that long everyday just so she could cheat on her husband.
Well, my mom found out and was mad at my sister, we even caught the guy at my sisters house (because she rented an apartment for a month just to have an affair with this guy) hiding in her closet. I figured he was in the closet so when I walked in he knew he was caught and said, "Hi Andrew". Haha. Well, my mom took my sisters kids away from her and we brought them home with us. My mom told me how she was going to beat my sister the next day for being such an idiot. We went to "Aprils" house and she was cleaning up. My mom asked her what the hell she was thinking. My sister just ignored her since she was on her hands and knees cleaning up the apartments carpet. Well, my mom punches her across the face thinking it was going to be like old times where she could just smack her around without any consiquence, but my sister got up and tackled her. They fought in front of my older niece, so I put her in a room and went to go pull her grandma and mom off of each other. My mom left really quick after that because my sister said she was going to call the cops. Well, we get to our house and my sister calls us saying that the cops are on their way. 5 minutes later 5 cops come to our door and arrest my mother for assault and kidnapping. It might sound mean, but the entire time I was thinking, "That's what you get.". I was happy that finally, after 14 years of abuse she had finally gotten punished for it. I just always wished I would be the one to get her arrested.
When she got back home she was a changed woman, she was scared to even think about hitting anyone, it was great. But something was still wrong, I knew she couldn't hit me anymore, but I was still getting really nervous around her. She would make a quick move and I would tighten up in a ball, even if she was just moving to grab something. It was only last year that, during a talk with my Psychology teacher, I was told I had a severe case of post traumatic stress disorder.
I started doing better in school after all of that, just to piss her off a bit more. Now, I'm a good student, I'm Straightedge and I try not to talk to her much. I told her that when she hits 49 years old that I was going to put her in a old folks home and declare her insane so that she would spend the rest of her life doped up on medications, but now I think I'll leave her alone. We do live in the same house, but I usually lock myself in my room till she goes to bed. I have to admit though, we are doing a lot better now.
Well, I left out tons of stuff, but if I were to go on I wouldn't stop. Well, I think that's all I'll write for now. Hope you are still awake, haha.

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