starry nite

my own world
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2002-07-21 02:20:26 (UTC)

down again

alright so my good mood ended. now im just sitting around
trying to decide what i feel like doing. i read through all
the letters james wrote me when he was in jail. they just
make me angry now. reading things like " i will love you
forever" or "i want to be with you forever" pisses me off.
if he loved me like he said he would have tried to talk to
me one last time. came to get his stuff himself at least.
he doesnt fucking care about me. he hasnt for a long
time....i really dont know if i should believe he ever did.
pot was such a priority to him. im really stressed out
right now. i want someone in my life. not neccesarily a
boyfriend just a really close friend. one i could share
anything with and that could help me when i needed help.
well i dont really think im going to find that anytime
soon. i am in a writing mood. i havent written a poem in so
long. well, i have written 1 or 2 things but not much. i
used to write all the time. i think james is partially to
blame, he killed that part of me. he made me feel like
nothing i was good so why even do it. he really destroyed
so much of me and yet i still constantly think about him. i
think becuase even if he was treating me like shit i must
deserve it b/c he used to treat me great. he really messed
my head up. he had me totally believing it was my fault he
treated me badly, treatedme like i was messed up in the
head and caused all his problems. basically he was very
mentally abusive and i took it for so long and now im still
used to being treated like that and not having that around
makes thing feel weird. maybe thats why i cling to the
memory of him. its just so weird to not be around him and
having him make me even more depressed then i was already.
now i dont know how to refocus my thoughts. its hard.

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