Thoughts from Blue Angel
2002-07-20 16:50:22 (UTC)

Can't Hide it From Myself

I've been debating whether or not to post this. I know
I'll probably get some feedback about how someone is
worried about me or how I am being stupid, but I have
decided that this is my diary and I shouldn't hide
anything. That is just being dishonest with myself.

After progressing to eat a bowl of potato chips, a ham
sandwich, and two Nutirgrain bars at 1:00 this morning, I
went to bed. I stared at the ceiling for a long time,
disappointed with myself for not being able to keep
control. Then a light bulb came on. The only time I keep
control is when I'm completely fasting. So, as scary as it
might seem to think of what I'm getting myself into, I have
decided to fast until I hit 165. That should only be about
5 pounds, give or take a few. (I didn't weigh this
morning.) So it shouldn't take that long. And after I
come off of the fast, I want to be able to keep from
getting above 168.

I know this isn't healthy, and I know that it's probably
just setting me up for a downfall, but it's just something
I have to do. Something inside of me is telling me to try

I always thought that it would be so hard not to eat, but
when I juice fasted last Monday, it was so easy- much
easier than eating a little and then trying to make myself

I'm tired of doing it the healthy way. I just need to drop
the weight, and then I'll maintain it healthily.