Dirty Fractyl
2002-07-20 05:50:15 (UTC)

Every once in a while, if only by accident, I make a decision

[poem on the sentiments to follow entry]

So, yes, I realized just what I had been telling Aubrey I
had not been realizing myself, but somewhat to a lesser
extent. I had been telling her that if she and Thomas were
really "meant to be," that is that they would/will last,
then everything would flow naturally, there would be no
doubt, and you would KNOW, not think, that you were in the
right relationship.

Well, similarly, I had always held on to the possiblity of
dating Aubrey instead of just having the special friendship
that we have. However, I never had the "can't live
without 'her'" feeling at any time of kissing her or being
with her, so therefore, I should not put any real
importance on whether or not she and I date. Moreover, I
considered it in depth, and I don't know that I have EVER
felt that "can't live without you" feeling towards anyone,
and this is good. Why? Besides the obvious, that she doesn't feel
that way about me, also because now I know that I have not
passed by any once in a lifetime opportunities, or that feeling would
be present. Beyond that, if I was to enter a relationship here, I
would be afraid to become attached because of my long burning desire
to move to Costa Rica and out of Westernized civilization (that's
only in the city, where I won't live).

I can feel in my mind what is missing, what has never been
there, and I know it hasn't. There is that intangible
missing from every girl, that drive within me that makes me
never want to leave her side. I have not felt that yet,
and that's fine, but at least I know it.

I have a good feeling about meeting a girl that is
beautiful according to my type and very old-fashioned and
domestic once I move to Costa Rica.

That is the next point: That move is going to occur by
next summer. I am trying to make this a one year operation, and
apply to Univ of Costa Rica in the early months of next year.

So, the lesson is, no relationships until I leave. I cannot risk
entering in a relationship that would trap me here.

Move, :) And let the happy part of my life begin.

"Love's Funeral"

Dear, our true love's not eternal;
This bond, some day shall stead'ly break.
On our friendship lands the nightfall--
Our love may shine;
The reflection on the lake,
Pristine, yet short-lived.

We'd counted the hours apart,
Yet not counted those together;
Made flight of the heart,
endured perlious weather;
Finding shore, nearly asleep.

The lantern's oil is dry--
No more questioning why;
Life absolved,
Eyes absorb--
The radiance of who we are.

The shadows gently scrape the wall
Lone hills, the lone wolf call
Echoes silently through the expanse,
Greeted and bemused,
By the severance of hope.
The children circle in the green,
Hands held until tomorrow.

We've fought too long to die tomorrow,
Our lives are short yet full of sorrow.
Together, hands clasped, stride apart,
Painfully endure tears of the heart.
We've fought too long to die tomorrow.