marinabreeze

as the Oval turns
2001-07-02 21:31:41 (UTC)

I feel my ears burning...

An old wives' tale says that if your ears are burning,
someone is talking about you.
I was talking to Esther earlier, and she said that she
had talked to Pacey on IM on like thursday or friday, I
believe friday. She had taken it upon herself to ask him
if he knew that I still liked him, and he said he already
knew. He also said that he wanted to be my friend and that
he hasn't set out to hurt me. Curiously enough, he didn't
ask her why she asked. It is yet another episode from left
field (which I'm thinking by now I should set up shop
there), and I guess it brings up more questions than I care
to ask right now. I wonder a lot of things--I mean, Pacey
says he wants to be my friend...what does he mean by that?
I thought we already are friends! But seeing that he is
one of the most perceptive people I know (he reminds me in
that way of my mother), maybe he senses that I don't
totally trust him yet, and I guess from the 9,000 or so
talks we've had, he might be thinking that no matter what
he does, he's bound to hurt my feelings in some way or
fashion. Not exactly the mark of a friendship. I wish
that there was some way to let him know not to worry about
me, that a lot of the things that have happened don't have
a whole lot to do with him. He's not the first dude that
has broken my heart...it's just that the drama betweem us,
our history, has broken in at bad timing in my life, and
especially since I've been fighting to save the little bit
of pride I have left, it's like he's unfairly gotten the
brunt of my wrath. Part of it is that I've been the most
hurt over him--I'm not saying that he's treated me the
worst...as a matter of fact, he's treated me w/respect, and
I know he does care about me. I am saying that due to the
big picture of the situation and the timing of when it all
started (right after I broke up w/E. aka Bud, at a
vulnerable point in my life when the last thing I needed
was to have any more negativity shoved down my throat), it
hurt more than anything else to date, maybe except my
relationship w/my mother (which is another story). I wish
that Esther hadn't said anything, but most of all I wish
that Pacey knew that I don't totally blame him for the pain
I've been going through for the past year and that I really
do care about him, and that I don't want to hurt him,
either. I want us to grow closer, not more distant. I
want us to trust each other, I want him to be my friend.
In this way though, I know I need to grow up...I need to
learn how to communicate how I truly feel and not take my
frustrations out on the people I love.
In other news, lately I've run into Jonathan a lot. He's
this dude that I was in RA class with this past quarter.
Really nice guy, he seems cool and he's kind of cute, too.
And the cool thing is, he and I will be on the same housing
staff this coming september, he'll be an RA in the dorm
next to the one I'll be RAing at, which is so cool!! A few
of my friends are like, "Why don't you try to hook up
w/him?" I know I sound pathetic and idiotic, like I'm
pining away, but it's b/c I know that if I did, I'll
compare him to Pacey. That wouldn't be fair to Jonathan at
all--and I'm not in the business of bringing more males
into my tangled abyss of a love life. Besides, I don't
know if he really likes me back anyway, and I decided a
long time ago (post-Bud) that I won't ask dudes out, that
they'll have to do it...I'm not getting my heart stomped on
by some jerk. I don't think women's emotions are made to
go through the rigor of being the one to have to ask folks
out--that's just my observation. I don't want to sound
sexist, but it's just my personal opinion and it serves me
well enough. If a man is truly a man, he'll have the balls
to come up to me. If he can't, I don't need him.