Thoughts from Blue Angel
2001-07-02 19:15:22 (UTC)

Trudging On

It's really kind of unfortunate that it's times when I'm
feeling the most that are the times I really can't bring
myself to write. By the time I'm calmed down, it feels
strange to write about it. I think I'm going to start
writing SOMETHING at times like that, even if it doesn't
have anything to do with what's bothering me- a song, a
poem, just a thought...

Adam and I decided not to start a relationship. At
first, it really hurt a lot, but now I see that it's for
the best and that just because we don't have a title
doesn't mean that we aren't going to care about each
other. We'll just be more casual and have less pressure.
He's made it very clear that his feelings for me are strong
and that he wants it this way so that we'll last and that
he wants to be together when it's easier for us. He's so
amazing. I've been looking for him for a long time. It
still hurts, of course, but more because it's not fair that
we have to be so far apart.

The smallest things have been making me cry lately. It's
mostly been things which are sweet- like listening to songs
that wouldn't normally affect me so much. I guess that's
getting out everything I've been bottling up in a way that
I can stand, because it's more positive. I'm not ready to
face the depression. So I cry listening to the Save the
Last Dance soundtrack.

I feel so weak, but I'm taking care of myself. I've
found a nice little hiding place and I've allowed myself to
take it easy. Life is hard... but I'm gonna beat it!