Timothy

Jack's Twisted Kingdom
2002-07-19 15:36:14 (UTC)

Mind Game III...

Yesterday was one of those days where everything and
anything that could happen bad, did in fact happen or at
the very least presented itself with an issue that simply
dredged up really old and somewhat painful memories.

I saw my ex best friend Cory, with my ex girlfriend
Lenora walking through the mall... They came within
about 6 meters of me, and I didn't see them until they
were walking in the other direction. They didn't see me,
my back had been turned. I for some bizzare reason
turned around, and there they were...

I was suddenly filled with this, this emotion... I don't
know what it was, but all I could think about was, why
the hell aren't I standing there with them and talking
and laughing and walking through the mall? They
turned around outside and were going to walk right
past me, because I was sitting at the window looking
outside eating my fries, I saw them, looked at the fries,
got up and hid around the corner... What the hell is up
with that? I couldn't and can't explain it... I mean, I'm
the
one who doesn't give a shit...right?

So, for the next few hours, all I could think about was
them and why I wasn't there with them, when damnit I
fucking should be and I shouldn't feel so damned
retarded because I am not....

Sigh... I think I practically binged on food yesterday,
and
I didn't even really think about it... And that just made
me
feel worse... I already feel horrible half the damned time
because I am overwieght and I hate that... I keep trying
to go to the gym and working out, but I keep finding
excuses and shit...
.
My own dreams betray me... Not that I
really expect anything less than that... It makes the most
sense, and really it doesn't surprise me at all... Nothing
much does... The last time I was surpised I think it was
when.... hmm, can't even remember.... I must be so
damned jaded... so cynical and so pessimistic that my
brain has erased all things of a nature that I could be
shocked or surprised by something... I used to like
surprises...

Last night, I was sitting at the Cafe with some friends,
I'd gone to see Reign Of Fire, which is fucking
awesome... And I decided to call my friend Gord, I was
feeling kind of down, and whenever I talk to him and his
grrl, I feel a little bit better... Turns out, I was the
one
trying to make him feel better and I wasn't doing a good
fucking job... I couldn't hear him for the first few
minutes
of the call, I thought he was yawning or something and I
dunno, but I just kept talking, mostly about me... it
wasn't until I moved out of the patio and into the back
lane that I heard him... He was weaping... I mean, really
really weaping... It scared the shit out ot me, I was like
sick to my stomach, I couldn't breath and I couldn't
think, something happened with his grrl.... Later I found
out that everything was copacetic and fine... but man, I
was scared out of my mind.... and with the shit earlier in
the day, I felt just awful... I tried to console him, but
my
battery died on my cel...

Sigh....

Self discovery is a bitch...

Changing oneself for the better is a bitch...

Loki Save Me....


The mind plays tricks, the body heal wounds.

The game being what it is.

I have to wonder about the future.