camicazy

Meshed Up
2002-07-19 04:59:33 (UTC)

mduamd

flute princess...i can't agree more with what you said.

i am afraid that i am turning out to be more and more like
my mom. i see myself in her...i see her in me...and i can't
help but feel dismayed. distressed. i don't wanna be like
her. i don't wanna be like her.

to have this fear confirmed produced waves of cold dread
within me. why am i so much like her?

i have her materialism, her vanity, her social climbing,
her tendency to exaggerate, to twist things a bit. i have
her facade in trying to be nice...her masks in showing
everybody that she is a perfect and caring and loving mom.
i have her backstabbing tendencies...her smile that i put
on even though deep inside i feel like killing the person i
am smiling at.

i don't wanna be like her. i don't wanna be some
materialistic person who tries to come across as nice when
deep down she is far from nice. i don't want her
materialism, i don't want her vanity... i don't want her
social climbing tendencies.

i don't want her emotions that fly wild each time something
small happens. i don't want everything about her.

but i am so much like her...i am so much like her...and i
can't stand it. why must all the bad things in family come
raining down on me?

i have the ugliest face in the family. and yet i have the
proudest heart. must i look down on the people that i think
are not worth talking to?

i have the most rebellious and stubborn mind. i don't want
anybody messing aroun with my decisions. i cause trouble,
drive my mom to tears, drive my dad to scream at me.

and i hate my falseness and yet i love it. it gives me
protection and yet it makes me so much like my parents. i
hate it.

i don't want to pretend i'm strong when in fact i am
crumbling inside. i don't want to pretend to not care when
i just wanna break down and cry.

i don't want to pretend..and yet i keep doing it. because
though i don't want to pretend...i don't want others to see
what truly is going on.

my family is nothing but a show. smile and the world smiles
with you. they smile. but the smile they put on is nothing
real. nothing true. it's just something for others to see.

i am so much like my mom. so much like my dad too. i have
my dad's proud heart, my dad's stubborness, my dad's
critical eye towards himself, my dad's attempts in trying
to be humble when in reality he thinks so highly of himself.

it tears me. i don't wanna be like my parents at all.