DayDream Believer
2002-07-18 17:01:34 (UTC)

Second thoughts

Im having second thoughts about going to se S*, and I dont
think its because Im so nervous.
Everything is going so fast, maybe Im just doing it this
way cause I know it will go wrong then, and I will have to
get over him.
But thats not fair!
For one; its not fair for him, he deserve more that this,
mouch more that me just showing up on his front porch in
the middle of the night.
Its not fair for Tommt cause I will probobly be running
into his armus, convinced that Im in love with him, so we
get tougether and I`ll find out Im not, so I`ll flirt with
a lot of boys cause I dont care about him, and then I dump
him. (Thats what I did with Dante)
And the third one; its not fair for me eather cause I dont
think Im ready.
If he ask why I came this night and not one of the nights
he has asked me to come, what do I say?
That I hated my self so much that I didnt wanted a person
as great as him to see me, but now I`ve meat this boy, so I
need to see him so I can tell my self that Im still in love
with him so I can go back to my life that consist of
thinking and dreaming about him, but not seeing him. (the
truth) or shall I make up a lie?

Maybe the truth is that I was scared, and Im still scared.
Because evertything gonna change afther this, and it may
turn into so many directons and I dont have any controll
over it.
I might find out that Im in love with him, I might find out
that I dont like him or maybe that I need some time to
figure things out.
I just hope and pray for our feelings to match, that we
eather like or not like eachother anymore, not that one
like the other and the other dont return those feelings.
Oh my Good its so complicated, I dont know what to do or
feel anymore.

Im gonna work til midnight, then Im taking the bus to ms
Lindsay and sleep over there cause I start babysitting at
06.10 am tomorrow!
Then Im going back here at the cybercafe to work til
midnight agen, then me and Kelly is going out and a club
and Im taking the nightbus home, except Im not going home.
Im going to sit outside and wait for S* to come home, and
Thats when I lose controll over whats gonna happend.
So the thing is, when I get back home I have most likely
allready seen S*, so before going to the gym and my job
today I sow Samuel for the last time before I go and see
We had a small walk this morning and I runned over to him
to get him to wish me good luck before I left, oh my Good I
love him so much!
What should I do if he wassnt there??
What am I gonna do the day he`s not there, situvations like
this make me wonder, can I make it with out him?

Pour Tommy,my sweetie.
I think he feels verry unsecure right now, he goes to see
me all the time, but stil he`s not here, if you know what
Im mean.
It feels like everyother time Itry to toutch him he back
off, and eveyother he search out for me.
It hurt a lot for me, but I guess its even harder for him
cause I know whats going on, he dont.
He dont know about S* , I dont wanna tell him cause it can
make him jalux, I know I would be..