Adventures in Incompetence
All About Vaginas a.k.a. You pierced WHAT?!
Well I bet THAT title got your attention, didn't it ya
Today's entry is all about vaginas. Yes, let's all say it
together out-loud. "VA-GI-NA". It's a much-neglected topic
of discussion, as many people are too 'polite' to talk
about 'below-the-border' things. Some people will talk
about penises but not vaginas, because penises are funny-
looking and it's fun to laugh at them. I'll admit that. But
lately I've been hearing about a series of funky vagina-
related stories, and I feel the need to record them for
posterity... and so that I can laugh at them later too.
Our first vaginal tale concerns a girl who graduated from
my school this year. We'll call her "Teresa". Let me tell
you about this chick, for all of you who don't know who I'm
talking about. She's a first-class goody-goody. Probably
has gotten near straight-A's all of her life. Is a huge
suck-up. Brags about everything. Pretends that EVERYONE is
her friend. She makes everyone pronounce her name "Tay-ray-
sah" (the spanish pronunciation) because she's deluded
herself into thinking that she's a member of some special
ethnic group, when in reality she's as white as the
pillsbury dough boy. I could go on, but I think you all get
the idea. Anyhow, our dear friend "Teresa" recently took a
trip to Europe. And since european men have quite a
reputation for sexual prowess, she was looking forward to
losing her virginity over there. Now, here's where I've
heard conflicting details. Teresa purports to some people
that she broke her hymen (a thin membrane in the vagina
that is broken when a girl has sex for the first time, or
it can get broken doing sports, etc) when she fell during a
gymnastics class at age 11. The other story is that she
went to the doctor before her trip and had it removed so
that she wouldn't have a painful first experience (cuz I've
heard that it hurts A LOT when it gets broken during sex).
Now as to which one is the truth, I'm not sure. But I am
pretty sure that, when you're 11 years old and you fall off
the balance beam, you're not gonna say, "Hey coach! I think
I broke my hymen!" At age 11 I don't think I even knew what
one was. My guess is, she broke it herself on purpose
beforehand. But I guess we'll never know....
Anyway, getting on with the story, she took her lovely trip
to europe and had a GRAND old time. But the big question
is: Did she get laid? The answer is.... sort of. "Teresa"
ended up getting fucked by another GIRL!!! So did she lose
her virginity? I'm not sure. We could get all technical and
stuff, but I'll leave it up to you all to decide. And my
sources of information are very reliable, so I'm confident
of the events described.
That brings me to my second story. I have a nephew who is 6
years old and in kindergarten. This story was related to me
by my sister, who is his mother. Occasionally he has
friends over from school to play. I can't remember what
this particular friend's name is, so we'll call
him "Micheal". "Micheal" is in my nephew's class, and his
parents are both doctors. Gynecologists, to be exact.
Anyway, one day my sister asked him if he'd like to have
Micheal over to play. He got a worried look on his face and
shook his head furiously. My sister was a bit puzzled by
this, because he had never had any problems with Micheal
before. When she asked him why not, this was his
explanation: "Micheal told me that when there's nobody
around, he turns into a big fat vagina! Mommy do you really
think he can turn into a big fat vagina? Cuz I don't wanna
play with him if it's true." Obviously this little boy has
been quite influenced by his parents' profession. Heheh. My
sister told him that, no, Micheal wasn't going to turn into
a big fat vagina. My nephew looked up at her and
replied, "Ok Mom. But wouldn't it be WEIRD if he walked in
as a big fat vagina?" Yes, it would be weird. *LOL*
And finally, our third story. Today I got back from Texas,
where my sister is staying for three months. She's
interning at a birthing clinic in El Paso, which is right
at the Mexican border. There are other interns there who
have stayed for varying lengths of time. She will be there
for 3 months. Anyway, they live at the clinic all the time
in rooms in the back, because there are a lot of pregnant
women coming in to have their babies (most of them
mexican). And she is still getting to know the interns, who
all get really close because they live together all the
Anyway, she asked them what they like to do when things get
really slow and there aren't any women to check up on. And
these women are mostly young, in their early 20's (like my
sis). And let me tell you, they can be CRAZY. From what
little I saw, it's like being at an all-girls camp. Anyway,
they related to her that, the last time they were pulling
an all-nighter and got reeeeaaallly bored, they decided to
use some of the medical equipment and give themselves
piercings. Not just any piercings. Labia piercings. *ouch*
FYI, labia are the folds on the outside of the vagina. We
can't quite figure out what possessed them to do this,
especially down *there*. I mean, wouldn't YOU be a little
nervous about piercing your own private parts? They must
have been really bored. I guess they do a lot of stuff like
that when they get bored. Another time, someone surgically
removed another girl's mole, just for the heck of it,
because they had the time and the equipment. They can give
each other pelvic exams and all that. They offered me a
free exam, but I politely declined. (o_O)
I should mention that this is not at a hospital, it's a
private birthing center that's in a house-like building,
with only midwives and interns. And the midwives don't
police the interns a lot, they just handle the end-parts of
the births and supervise stuff. It's a laid-back sort of
thing. They don't do c-sections or really serious stuff.
Just supervised births and check-ups.
So maybe they'll get really bored another time soon, and
maybe my sister will come home from Texas slightly...
different. I kind of doubt it. She's the shy-type. But who
And that concludes our vagina-tales for the day. If I think
of anything else, or if anyone has anything to add, I can
always change this entry later.
Bumblebee's word of advice: If you have small boobs, live with it.
Nothing looks more pathetic than when a girl has tissue falling out
the side of her bra. Believe me, I've seen it before. Not pleasant.
Also, it makes your chest flammable. Tissue burns really nicely.
Think about that the next time you lean too close to the candle on
the table... heheheh...