cosmic ski slopes
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2001-07-01 19:55:24 (UTC)


I woke up this afternoon (yes, afternoon) to amessage from
Fuzz, so I called him back. But he kept getting beeps and
it was a long distance call so he called me back- we talked
for a while. We have the oddest conversations but they
always make me really think. Like today, we talked about
family... whether or not we want them when we're older- my
answer was an automatic no, just as it has been for as long
as I can remember; I was never the type of child who
planned her wedding or named her kids...
He wants a big family, he says so that he can right the
wrongs that his parents have done. He lives with his Aunt
and Uncle now. He asked me why I don't want to proove to my
parents that I can do better than them... it's not about
that though. There are so many fucked up ppl in this world,
why bring another into it? Or 2 or 3? I mean, I have a
mental disorder that gets passed down through my genes, I
got it from my dad, so didn't my brother. I don't want to
put a child through that. Not to mention the whole I have
no clue how to be a parent thing, I mean, look at the role
models I've had! A nuts mom who's scared of her own fucking
shadow and a dad who drinks more beer than he eats food....
I don't want to be like them and I'm afraid if I ever did
have kids I'd do to my children what they've done to me.

I was always very career oriented, I mean, do whatever it
takes to make the grade, get outta my small town, stay away
from my family... Get rich, be famous.... Be smart and
never fall in love... Don't let anything get int he way of
my future. I was taught that, it's just how I think. I
mean, "to make an omelet, u gotta break a few eggs", right?
Well, me omelet is money and power and brains, not a white
picket fence and 2.3 kids in some suburb. I'd drown in all
of that domesticity....

SO Fuzz asked me if Nick wants kids... I DUNNO!!! I'VE BEEN
ALL TOO MUCH!!!!!!!!! I mean COME ON PEOPLE! Yeah, I think
I'm in love with him, and so what if we're looking at
school's together?? For all I know, he doesn't think we'll
together that lnog, for all I know, WE WON'T! So why does
my family (speaking of them...) assume that just because
I'm dating anice guy that they like, I'm gonna be with him
forever??? I don't get it! So far, I've only been with one
person who I could see myself with twenty years from now,
and that's Brian and that didn't work so it's gonna be a
while before I fantasize abotu stuff like the FUTURE with a
guy for and whatever I'm hoping for, I had beter have a
solid foundation for those dreams cuz I'm not getting
caught up again, u know??? I gotta go, I'm all pissed off
now just from thinking about it, and I was so depressed
today, it was good to feel calm again! what the hell??? I
miss my friends cuz normally I could call them when I'm
thinkin' like this, and I can't call sara and chrissy and
emi or heather or nickie or any of them cuz they're all
gone camping or at camp or hiking or whatever and I can't
call Fuzz cuz it's his fault I'm thinking about all this
and Nick's working today and Brian's out with his gf
probably (I am so disappointed in him over that whole thing
btw... Jenny told me stuff that really makes me sad about
him) and I just feel so lost and so alone lately... I need
to deal with this better, I can't keep taking my
damn 'giggles'... I'm down to fifteen left and my family
stil doesn't know, only my mom which doesn't help any cuz I
can't ell her about all of this shit so I can't tell her
I'm taking my meds cuz I can't explain why and then I'll
just cry again because I always cry when I speak to her....

See why I don't want kids?


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