Self harming dyke
2002-07-17 08:48:12 (UTC)

9 weeks and 3 days

That's how long I have gone now. It seems incredible to me,
as I never imagined I could even go 1 week!

Thanks for the feedback from those brave souls who have
managed to plough through the depressing rubbish I write
without topping themselves from sheer boredom! Seriously
though, it means a lot to me that some people out there are
interested in what I have to say. Maybe you'll buy my
hospital diary book once it's published! (shameful

I feel like I have gone a very long way since I began this
diary a few short months ago. I still have ups and downs -
the past few days were tough because the ambulances and
hospitals want their money and I haven't paid it. In the
UK, you never pay until you get the final demand. Here in
Brussels, you get a bill, then a Solicitor's letter. Scared
the shit out of me, I can tell you. I nearly resorted to
old trusted methods of coping with this... got as far as
taking the razors out of the packet, about to take the
blades out, when I thought (in an unusual moment of
clarity!) "What am I doing? It won't make the problems go
away, all it will do is make me feel even worse." So I
shaved my legs and pretended to myself that that is why I
got the razors out in the 1st place! Then I cleaned my
flat. Then I made some phone calls. I woke up the next day
with no fresh cuts and a few less problems to sort out.

Today I am feeling stronger. I am going to stay with a
friend in Calais (France) this weekend, which is something
to look forward to. We were at uni together and were really
close. I haven't had a chance to have a good chat with her
for ages, so it will be lovely.

BORING! I think that diaries are much more interesting when
you are depressed. Day-to-day news and plans are just so
dull! Here's to all our diaries being boring from now on -
no more depression and heartache.

Cat x