Lost and Found
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2002-07-17 08:39:18 (UTC)

Why does my heart feel so bad?

Have you ever been haunted by a real life living breathing

I have.

I am.

He should not be in my life.

I should not see him.

He is so far away and so impossible but m;y god how i love

The fact that i love him makes me laugh, it makes me
shudder, it makes me cringe, it makes me shy, it fills me
with embarrassment and shame. But my how I love him. I wish
i could love him without pain but, that, well. strange.
that would take something away from it. Don t get me wrong
he never does me harm or cause me pain and i will never
tire of it i will never get bored of it it doesnt cost me
anything anymore. its pure secret and pure pleasure all in
my mind now.

I look at him and can not believe i held him stroked his
chest kissed his lips felt him pressed against me inhaled
his scent looped my fingers through his touched his hair.
All forbidden. And it makes me laugh. I feel his eyes on me
drinking me in staring and i feel this warmth flood through
my body tingling right to my core and its so corny and its
so nothing to the naked eye and it makes me laugh so much
it just makes me shake my head as i am filled with glee,
glee with my own misery and my own shame and my
own 'suffering' and glee at my own crazy mind and my own
crazy nature and the craziness of what i feel and of what i
have done and the even crazier craziness of what he makes
me want and i laugh out loud and in my secret head im
spinning with my arms stretched out spinning faster and
faster and laughing tears falling down my cheeks because
just the thought of me ME and what i did the insanity of
him makes me so very happy to have been me and to have
lived for those moments that i can never share with anyone
and never tell much less repeat. The thought of him, the
reality of his ghost makes me laugh because it makes me
love me. the bright eyes bushy tailed naive funny crazy
risky chancy gutsy me.

What more can you ask of anyone?

I love him.