hello kitty cat
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2002-07-17 03:39:28 (UTC)

fragmented thoughts

So I have been really unhappy lately. I don't really know
why...It's not one's just everything together.
Jason and I came really close to breaking up about a week
ago. I just noticed that I'm awake even when I sleep. When
I talk words come out that are either unrelated to what I'm
saying...or I just say whatever I'm trying to say
backwards. I've been trying to meditate ..but I'm not doing
it regularly enough for it to have a huge impact on my
life. It does temporarily make me feel better though. I
kinda always have a headache. My life consists of sleeping
and feeling awake while doing so, and waking up super late
in a dark room not feeling refreshed at all....then during
the day I just feel like shit. Things are just so fucking
weird. Then I started thinking about bad vs good...times.
And I realized I don't know what my good times are until
they're over and I find something that's a lot worse and
makes the last time look like a good time. I wonder if
everyone's life is like that. At times I'm void of all
feeling...and I literally just give up. Not "giving up" as
in wanting to die (that happens to but not at these times)
just....complete....nothing. I just don't care. Because I
feel like I'm at my worst. But then that's how my life
tends to be lately. I don't realize that "the worst" is
really my best until I reach a worse "worse" ...I don't
know why I'm even writing anymore. I really find no point
to writing anything anymore...which is weird because I used
to be so into writing everything about my life. But then
again...I also have that idea in the back of my mind that
Jason will probably end up reading whatever I write anyway,
and if he misinterprets it then I have to sit down and have
a discussion with him about it. So that doesn't help the
situation. What next? I don't know...but I'm done. Ding.