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2002-07-16 03:01:03 (UTC)

nyc life summer

i havent written on this thing for awhiles eh. so i was
just thinking the other day that usually, when it is this
time of year, summer. i usually feel inadequate. i usually
dont have a job, i usually dont do "productive" things, i
usually get drunk and hang out alot. and in later years it
nags at me..... i am too old to be doing this. . and i am.
and this summer i have this internship. its not much. i
took 8 credits of summer classes, thats all over now. i
havent been reading and i certainly havent been writing.
when i was young i would have rather been writing than
doing anything else/
now its almost like i have to force myself. and i can't
even force myself. school has to force me. i need for
school to be there. i choose to take the classes, yeah. but
i need for that illusion to be there.
i need illusions. i do.
i love thinking about super stuff and reading physics books
and letting my mind wander in every which direction bu in
the end, i need the illusions. i know they are there and i
need to know how to forget, how to loose that
how many times have u heard "all writers are crazy" "all
artisits are crazy...... whatever. i know. and as old as
this is i still am having the whole i dont WANT to be crazy
thing. i still dont know the consequences of anything.
i still feel stupid sometimes for being me. for still
living at home. for not being able to support myself cauese
i need all this cushioning. i need certain CIRCUMSTANCES to
write. i need my own SPACE, apart from my family, apart
from my bed so as not to contribute to insomnia problem. i
need the write TEMPERATURE. i need to be able to smoke.
i am so afraid of being alone.
how different does this sound from italy entries? why was a
not afraid of solitude theN? i still wasnt able to write .
all throughout college. havent really written. not what I
consider writing.
essays and shitt stories and shit journals.
and i just cant be satisfied with anything/

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