witchprod

sunshine, oh why?
2002-07-15 18:48:39 (UTC)

weekend from hell... well, sort of

where do i even begin? that was one of the most fucked up
weekends i've had in quite some time. lol so much has
happend and lucky for me im still with joe and stuff. how
im even at work right now still surprises the hell out of
me.
FRIDAY DRIVE
see i really like to drive but just lately this has been a
huge issue for me concidering my seat is all fucked up in
my car and it kills my back. i was cleaning it one day and
when i slid the seat all the way to the back, it got stuck
there. so the only way i can reach the fuckin pedals is by
putting it up and a 90 degree angle. ouch. so driving 12
hours sucked just a little bit. and yes 12 hours, i love
traffic and rain. that was great. then by the end of the
night i had a little bit of an anxiety attack cause we came
to a dead stop and wasnt moving at all. there wasnt even an
accident. so i took a pill just one and once again i got
extreemly tired, and cause i was driving all day, i was
really lightheaded too. i was fine to drive but when i
tried to stand up that was a fuckin joke. nearly fell over
a few times. and yes my back still hurts, but i'll pretend
it doesnt, getting used to that. i cant be a little fuckin
baby about it cause i have no money for a doctor and no one
i know will give me a massage. should try to get some pain
killers or something. dull the pain. so i spent a good $50
or more actually, not including food and cigarettes. just
gass and tolls cost that much, i think george is gonna be
here for a while cuase i have no car and i cant afford the
gas, food and tolls right now. it rained so many times that
night that i really had to almost stop cause i couldnt see
a foot in front of my car. not good. almost ran out of gas
in "everglades city", the fucken city with a gas station
and a subway, thats it! nothing else. and that was about 30
mins out of the way. didnt want to stop in naples again.
that place is bad luck i swear. last time it was a downpour
on us and we kept having to stop for various reasons (uti).
so i think i do hate driving now, and that was my hobby for
so many years!!!
GEORGE
he's really really cool. i really wasnt expecting anyone
like him. usually my bf's best friend's are assholes and
treat me like crap for some reason. i think im going to get
along with him really well. it was really weird, when joe
left, i expected george to just ignore me and get joe, but
he stayed there with me and made sure that i was ok, and
tried to make me feel better. then he spoke to joe for me,
which was really cool.
DEADSTAR
i now have a new appreciation for deadstar after seeing
them live. i thought they were cool to begin with but that
show was fuckin ausome. unfortunatly the assholes in the
moshpitt made it dificult for me to keep my eyes on the
stage cause i had to make sure no one was gonna hit me or
joe and knock us down the stairs. we both did get hit
pretty hard and joe is still in pain, i dont even have a
bruise on my arm which is amazing. before deadstar came on
we had lots of entertainment with joes ex gina stagediving
off the stage and having no one catch her! that was ausome,
she kept doing it too, she looked so dumb. i also saw jay
there, which was a little weird for me. jay is that 15 year
old that i met when i went with chris to that shitty mall
to meet his imaginary girl. i felt really bad cause when he
said hi to me i automatically bit his head off about chris
and how much of a dick he was, and jay was the one that was
warning me about him. i was too drunk to realize that at
the time. i did tell him my plan though. i feel bad. i can
tell that he felt really stupid for talking to me,
concidering i was hanging all over joe, and bitching about
chris. so more about the show. im finally over dro. that
was easy. he looked really dumb on stage, he would stare
out into space for a really long time like he was posing or
something. then he... well he just looked dumb and i was
laughing a great deal. funny how much that reversed itself.
i dyed my hair purple again and it came out purple, blue,
green and brown :) not what i wanted at all but whatever im
sick of waisting my money on that crap anyway. it showed up
bright green in the blacklite, it was funny. i honestly
dont want them to get signed cuase we will never see them
there again. they'll get big really quickly. even though
they really do deserve to be signed, we will miss them!!!
VENUS ROOM
scary thing is since i stopped drinking my cravings for
alcohol have gone away. i actually went the entire night at
the culture room without having a single drink or even
asking anyone for anything. i didnt need it. but when we
all went to the venus room, i didnt even feel like drinking
but it was like a given that i would drink. i think i have
finally abused the fuck out of my rum and cokes and moved
on to red devils. well down here they arnt called red
devils they are red deaths. i gotta remember that, they are
the same exact drink. funny. so i finally got to see joe
drunk. hehe that was cool, he only had 2 screwdrivers but i
did see them make it and there really was barely any orange
juice in it. i have mastered dancing in those fuckin boots
without falling on my ass, finally. and i found out how
easy it is to dance in pants instead of skirts cause you
dont have to worry about anyone seeing your ass or anything
else not cool. so joe was trashed. kept falling over and
telling me that he was numb from the waiste down, but he
still wanted to have sex lol. interesting. so before we got
there, the parking lot was full so i had no choice but to
park down the block on the other side of the road.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CAR
so i come out to find my car and the entire parking lot is
empty. they cleared out about 30 cars in a matter of 15
mins, so ive been told. so my car is gone. panic attack..
yes of course, i wouldnt be alexis without the fuckin panic
attack. so i just shut down, i pushed joe away and yelled
at some gay guy who was trying to help me. whatever, im
pissed and everyone should have known that, its not a
personal thing twards anyone at all! my fuckin peice of
shit car is gone! why!!! why must the system fuck me again!
i had enough. so we were gonna walk. hahahahaha what a
joke, i have a fuckin heart condition and i was dancing all
night so my heart isnt doing to well to begin with. so we
walk for a while and i have to keep stopping to breathe.
and we sit on a curb on the side of the road, and joe takes
a nap, i lay down on the concrete and smack my head into
it. and blah blah blah everything sucks cause my cell is
about to die, and i dont know anyone with a car and joe's
mom isnt answering the phone. shit gets worse.
WHERE THE FUCK IS JOE
so joe gets up and doesnt say anything, he just leaves. so
we try following him but he's ignoring us and just keeps
walking. this sucks. i felt like it was all my fault and
that really wasnt fair. he wouldnt hitch a ride and we
really didnt have much of a choice. he just ignored us, and
when i actually got to grab his arm to stop him he pulled
away and i go fallign to the ground, he just keeps walking.
so heres the part where you think it couldnt get worse and
it does. i freak. totally freak. george was gonna get joe
but it seemed pointless, he wasnt gonna stop. finally joe
comes back, and tells me that it's over cause my parents
are gonna take me away and he doesnt want to deal with it.
so i have a serious panic attack and i cant breathe, at
all. joe leaves again and goes and sits on the other side
of the road. george leaves to find out what the fuck is
going on. i heard joe crying from the other side. woo hoo i
fucked up again! i have never seen him cry before. i felt
horrible. i put him threw entirely too much shit. so a
while goes by and i finally decide to find out what the
fuck is going on. when i did that george was gonna get me
anyway. he was upset that he thought he was gonna lose me
forever. thats why. i told him im not oging anywhere cuase
my parents dont want me in ny anyway, and its not that bad.
i cant beleive this all happend. i am never going to leave
him. ever, its just not possible. nothing can keep me apart
from him. god i wish he would get that.
8AM
so his mother picks us up at some crazy hour in the
morning, the sun was already up and all of us we're being
sevearly bitten by buggs (my back is covered in bites).
that morning sucked, i couldnt function at all, and then i
didnt know that joes mom needed directions so she got a
little lost, good htink i know my way around really well.
im ausome with direction. so we get back and we all pass
out. woo hoo.
ITS MY CAR
so the next morning, well technically that day just later
on after we all woke up, i went with joes mom to find my
car. that was quite a hassle concidering the directions i
got from that gay guy were wrong. so i had to call again,
and then my phone kept dieing. finally get there and the
fuck tells me that he cant give me my car! he said that is
not my car its my moms and she needs to come down and get
it. lol. yeah mom come down from ny and get my car out of
this place. so another thing i had to do was get a
noterized letter and signature saying htat its my car and
my mom is giving it to me to get out. fuckin gonna be about
$50 a day if i dont get it soon and i dont want joe's mom
having to drive me around everywhere. she took me to work
today so they dont fire me, and she's picking me up later.
god i feel like ever since i came into joe's life im making
everything so difficult and complicated and filled with
unnecisarry drama. i feel horrible. him and his mom really
dont need my shit. hopefully tomarrow i can get my car back
and not have to worry about putting everyone in a bad
situation anymore. george was sapposed to be sleeping in
joe's bed but i've been there so he's been sleeping on the
floor. im the one who should be on the floor, im not even
sapposed to be there. im ruining george's little vacation
and i feel like shit about it. feel like just disappearing
sometimes, i hate making people miserable. i dont plan
this, my life is just fucked up.
WORK
so today i finally got my new possition at work and im now
in the back and can do my own thing. unfortunatly i fucked
up already a few times and im haveing a fucking really hard
time fixing shit cause she didnt show me everything i had
to do before she left. and i cant find anything. im still
in the process of finding and printing this fucking
invoice, its nowhere to be found and i cant do anything
else without it, so my solution... im writing in here till
i figure out what the fuck to do. i like it back here
though, downloading music, playing msi, hehe they would
freak if they heard the lyrics, they cant hear shit anyway,
im parranoid so everythign is really low. im screwed right
now, i have so much other shit to do and i cant. grrrrrrrr.
i didnt take a lunch today, cause i dont have a car to go
to lunch ill jsut sit on my ass and do this, hey they dont
know that im not working, and i get payed anyway. i gotta
remind myself to ask for a raise. i keep forgeting, well my
boss isnt in anyway.
NOW
im feeling like shit today. not physically for once.
surprising cause im doing shipping and heavy lifting i
should be in some type of pain, but im not. im miserable.
im really getting tired of hearing about this whole music
thing and how behind and useless i am. i have nothing
honestly. i dont even know why i made a name for myself. im
not going to go anywhere with it... I CANT WRITE MUSIC. so
im waisting my time and im gonna look like an asshole
sooner or later when people realize that im all talk and no
action. i have nothing! i dont konw what else im sapposed
to do. george said that i could use one of his keyboards to
record with, but i just keep thinkign about going on stage
and being alone and all. im gonna look so dumb. i have no
support and joe and george will be busy doing there own
thing to even notice that im struggling. i konw they know,
and that im totally unhappy with my situation, but it
doenst help being around them when they talk about it all
the time and discuss their plans. i have no one to discuss
anyting with. im the stubborn fuck that wanted to do this
alone but its really starting to get to me, that i have no
friends and im really on my own here. i dont know what im
doing and it sucks when your all alone and stupid. at least
joe, and george have each other that they cant get each
others opinion and support and just well everything that i
odnt have. ahhh im gonna stop bitching now. this isnt
helping its just making me madder. hopefully i can get my
shit together, and i dont suck that badly and i can go on
tour with them and just do what i wanted to do... live and
be known.




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