Angel

Things you can`t tell just by looking at her

I think one of my problems is that I dont believe it when
anyone say that thay love me, exept S*.
Well, its been a long time since last time that happend,
but still I know that he loves me.
Like that time he called to say he loved me, or a bunch of
people did, I picked up the phone and there was a whole
gang singing "I just called to say I love you".
And all those times he said that he loved me more that he
should, he just could not help it..
Even thought its been a while, I know that he loves me and
that I love him.

In norwegian we have two words for love, one you can say to
your friends, family and people like that. It means I care
for you and also a bit I love you.
Then we have this other word, that we normaly dont say all
that much, the three big words you know.
Usally you only say it to one person (the one you love)and
the first time you say it its verry special.
I`ve never said it to anyone yet, but I`ve heard it.

Dante said it to me last summer, like 8 times or so, but I
never said it back, because I didnt love him and I wanted
the first time I said it to be special.
Me and Tommy say the other I love you word all the time, I
do love him a lot, thats for sure. But not enught to use
the three big words, if we ever get togheter I will.

And thats the other thing, Im so scared that I will do the
same mistake I did with Dante with Tommy, that I disregard
all my feelings for him. I might be in love with him and
not know it! I know it sounds stupid.

When Tommy say I love you so much, or I love you to, Im
sitting there thinking "why?"
Im not special, Im nou unik and I dont deserve it.
Why should he care for me?
I did the same thing with Dante and everyone else who say
that, even when my fathter is saying it Im sure he only
says it to be cause he`s me father.

Im kinda depressed for the moment, I think its because of
this S* vs Tommy thing, that Im working to much and that I
have started the pill.
This spring I managed to lose a few ponds cause I was
always running with my dog, and I love it. (bouth jogging
and my "new body)
But one of the side effect are that you put on some weigh,
so I put back on most of it, damn!
But at least I had lost some first, so I didnt actually put
on some did I?
I`ve heard about people who took on 12 kilo`s when she
started the pill, that about 25 pounds!
I was afraid of this when I started the pill so I told my
doctor, and she said that you did not put on weight of the
pill, but one of the side effects could be that you got
more appertit, so I guess thats what happend.

At home everythig is all right, at least so I know. Im
never home anymore, always working and my little spare time
I spend with Tommy.
But Im only waiting for the nest disaster to happend, so Im
never truely happy when its good cause Im preparing for the
bad things to happend and I wont get disapointed.
My father dont drink as he used to, so its not gonna be
about that.
I love drinking, I dont drink ofthen, but I love it, I
think thats the only way I can relax for the moment.
Im not like one of these who have to drink to have fun, or
stuff like that. But all this working, problems to think
about and cause Im som scared I never relax anymore.
Sometimes I get scared and start thimking what if Im just
like him? It makes me feel so guilty, buit Im not.
I dont drink that ofthen, I dont ever get the feeling that
I need a drink, I dont need it to make it true my day or so
I can go out on the dance floor without beeing to shy, so
there is nothing that indikate that Im an alcoholic.
Just to like to get out and drink is okey right?

My mother and Dante is worrid cause I work so much, they
think im gonne hit the wall soon, and they are worrid for
me.
I love all this working, but I`ve come to realise that like
this week babysitting from 06.10 or 07.40 til 15.30 and the
go straigh from there to the cyber cafe and close there by
midnight, one hour on the bus another half an haour on my
bike som Im in bed by 02 cant be all that healthy in the
long run, so Im gonna slow down next week.
Just so I can see some friends of mine and do something
diffrent.
I wonder how things gonna be when school starts, cause
right now I dont have the time for it, haha.
But education is inportant so I have to take it seriusaly,
its my last year at this school, jay!

Take care everyone!

Love
Angel